Wednesday, February 5, 2014

The Totally True Story Of Bill Clinton's Love Affair With Liz Hurley, As Told By Tom Sizemore

Tom Sizemore, who starred in Natural Born Killers, Saving Private Ryan and Black Hawk Down before personal problems led to jail terms for drugs and assault, stunned the world with the release of an audiotape in which he tells friends about an alleged year-long love affair between Bill Clinton and Elizabeth Hurley.

It all started during a 1998 White House screening of Saving Private Ryan, when President Clinton pulled Sizemore aside from the crowd of A-listers that included Tom Hanks, Matt Damon, Ed Burns and Dennis Farina.

Because that wouldn't look suspicious. "Hey all you A-listers and Oscar winners," President Clinton said, "you all chill while I talk to a character actor who's struggled with drug addiction since 1976."

Sizemore claims that Clinton asked if he wanted to see the Lincoln Bedroom and after shaking his Secret Service detail, the pervy President quickly made his move!

Sizemore probably thought it was a bit suspicious, but the other guests surely didn't care why Clinton and Sizemore suddenly decided they wanted to be alone.

“We walk in,” Sizemore says on the tape, when suddenly Clinton, then in his second-term of office, asked point-blank, “Did you go with Liz Hurley for four years? Do you still see her?”

Clinton's photographic memory is well-documented, but some people probably don't know he primarily used it while reading People magazine.

When Sizemore confirmed they had dated but were no longer together, he says the President asked for her number.

Say what you want about Clinton, but he'd never mack on a bro's lady on the down low. Though he was actively eavesdropping on Americans without court warrants, Clinton knew that begging a drug addict who'd just happened to drop by was the only way to get contact info for an Estée Lauder spokesmodel.

Stunned at the suggestion, Sizemore admitted to being somewhat hesitant to dole out the digits, but claims Clinton insisted: “Give it to me. You dumb motherfucker, I’m the Commander-in-Chief of the United States of America. The buck stops here. Give me the damn number.”

"You better do as I say!" Clinton threatened. "Speak softly and carry a big stick. Tippeecanoe and Tyler too. Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall!"

The actor obliged, but before dialing, he says the President was already covering his tracks, thinking of his oblivious and long-suffering wife Hillary in the other room. “[Clinton] said, ‘I’m going to say I asked you about your uncle, Ted Sizemore, who played professional baseball,” Sizemore recalls. “That’s the lie. Don’t forget it.’”

Clinton had to specify "Ted Sizemore" to differentiate him from Leroy, Fred and Satchel Sizemore, Tom's other baseball-playing uncles.

Then, Sizemore recounts, Clinton dialed, wasting no time in getting down to dirty business with the stunning brunette, now 48. “Elizabeth, this is your Commander-in-Chief,” Clinton said to the actress.

Clinton has always introduced himself by his occupation since he was two-year-old Turdy Pants.

And though Hurley at first thought it was a joke, she played coy, but the President wouldn’t take no for an answer! Clinton said, “Listen Elizabeth, this is the President!” Sizemore recalls. “‘I don’t have any time for this shit. I‘m keeping the world from nuclear war all the time. I’m sending a plane to pick you up.”

Liz, understanding the basic tenets of Logic, stares at the phone. "He doesn't have time for confusion, because he has to keep the world safe," she repeats. "But he's got time to send a plane to fuck a supermodel?" And still the question to fear is, "Why did you talk to Tom Sizemore?" rather than "Why did you send Air Force One to Cap d'Antibes?"

Hours later, Sizemore claims, Hurley was at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. “While we’re at the reception, I see her,” Sizemore reveals, but then she disappeared through a door, trailed by a Secret Service agent.

Bill wasn't worried about Hillary because she was trying to figure out why Tom Sizemore was still at their house eighteen hours after the screening ended.

As she disappeared into a room with the President, Sizemore charges, “Bill turns to me and he goes, ‘I owe you one.’”

Okay, I get it. Despite the fact she's just flown to the White House to be confronted by her ex-boyfriend and the President of the United States, Elizabeth Hurley's first line of dialog is apparently going to be, "Oh, yes, Bill Clinton! YESSSSSSS!!!"

As to what happened after that, Sizemore declares on the tape: “What do you think? She was there for four days.”

Sizemore misses a golden opportunity here. Me, I'd say she was secreted away in the Polk Bedroom, because that's where Clinton hid all the chicks he Polked.

Later, he recalled, “I asked her [Hurley], what was it like there?... I said was Hillary a problem? And she said ‘No, they sleep in different bedrooms....’ Bill said that, he intimated to Elizabeth that they have been, they’re in love, but they stopped [sleeping together] a long time ago and they both have separate romantic lives.”

That was important to Liz, because sure, she'd fly to the White House and follow Clinton into a secret bedroom but she wouldn't actually fuck him unless he pinky-swore that it was cool with Hillary.

As such, the steamy affair didn’t end after Hurley’s visit. Sizemore says they kept in contact for a year, until Clinton ended the sexual shenanigans because he was falling deeply in love with the charming actress, 19 years his junior.

“At a certain point, he told her, ‘I don’t do love and I’m beginning to think I might love you,’” Sizemore says.

Yup, the old "I can't see you again because I love you too much" routine marks the end of the story. We all want to high-five Bill here, but evidently neither Tom nor Liz has gotten to page one in How To Be A Playah.

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