I subscribe to the American Family Association email because I'm a conservative at heart, and a few days ago they sent me an unbelievable email I'd been awaiting for years.

It's about time, I thought. I've had it up to here with "intellectuals." They're all "time travel" and "curing cancer" and "I'll take Katy Perry Videos for $1600, Alex." Almost immediately I started picturing the AFA putting these pantywaists in their place:

AFA: You're supposed to be smart people, so how do you believe in evolution? Don't you know about the word of God?

LIBERAL PROFESSORS: Not really. We work for major universities where Bibles are forbidden. Isn't there something about a garden? Making the universe in six days and resting on the seventh?

AFA: Here it is, in black and white. Read this and behold the glory of God!

[FIVE MINUTES LATER]

LIBERAL PROFESSORS: OHMIGOSH! WE DIDN'T KNOW! LORD HAVE MERCY ON THOSE OF US WHO STUDIED THE EFFECTS OF TRANSMORPHISM ON INNATE MACROPHAGE INSTEAD OF SINGING YOUR PRAISE!

I knew this DVD was going to be great. I mean, filmmaker Ray Comfort sounds like an amazing guy. He boldly put his money where his mouth is by offering $10,000 to anyone who produced a "transitional fossil" proving evolution actually took place. Scientists are always saying humans come from a long line of lesser animals, so surely there had to be at least one that showed a lizard giving birth to a dog, or a sheep giving birth to a chicken. Did any "scientist" ever collect the cash? Obviously not!

He still sells an ersatz million-dollar bill that's inscribed with a lecture on what's really important in life -- spoiler: God! -- despite the fact that at least one of his followers read his words and then tried to deposit the bill in her bank account. I think he printed up more, though, after the FBI left.

Maybe I'm mean, but even before I got the DVD I decided to email the "liberal professors" who appear in it and shove their faces in humiliation. It's people like these that have made me feel stupid ever since I got a D on a high school biology test for saying the three forces that enable birds to fly are acceleration, drag, and Jesus wind. It was time for the tables to turn!

Hi --

I got the attached email from the American Family Association advertising their DVD "Evolution Vs. God: Shaking the Foundations of Faith." What piece of evidence did the filmmakers give you about God that in particular rattled every preconceived notion you had? Is the word "dumbfounded" appropriate here to describe your reaction? Thesaurus.com also offers "bamboozled," "staggered" and "thunderstruck," but there's "gobsmacked" if you're European.

Thank you for your attention to this matter,
RomanHans

I don't know why all the liberals sent nice replies, because there's no way God's letting unbelievers into heaven's VIP seats. "All I can say in response to your query," said Professor Gail Kennedy of UCLA, "is that I stopped believing in god about the same time I stopped believing in the easter bunny and the tooth fairy."

"I was only dumbfounded in the sense that I found Ray very dumb," said Professor Paul Myers of the University of Minnesota.

"No, I never had my faith 'shaken,' said Professor Peter Nonacs of UCLA, "as there is actually no evidence AGAINST evolution presented in the DVD."

Now it was my turn to be dumbfounded. These "professors" weren't quivering in their boots, desperate to repent from their years of education so God wouldn't smite them dead? I couldn't believe it. Just because they had studied for years and were trying to help the world through education they were still acting like they were better than me, whose blog is read by dozens. What about how stupid they looked in the DVD?

"I was really burned by [R]ay [C]omfort's malicious editing," said Professor Kennedy.

"His arguments were ridiculous, and I laughed at them & rejected them," said Professor Myers. "[A]ll of that was edited out of the final product, of course."

"I don't know if you caught last week's 'Ham on Nye' creationism debate," said Professor Nonacs, "but that debate would be like "Evolution vs. God" if you basically let Ken Ham's presentations be broadcast in their entirety, but left everything Bill Nye said on the cutting room floor, except for his comments about his bowtie and what his favorite color is."

My entire world view shook. Was it possible? What sort of topsy-turvy world was this where Christians lied and atheists told the truth? Or was I being bamboozled by these hucksters' slick arguments? I turned to Mr. Comfort's supporters for the last word.

“Evolution Vs. God reveals evolution only exists in the minds of the evolutionist and their students!” said Jim Bob Duggar. Sigh; I should have expected wise words from the TLC reality star who let God determine the size of his family. Though I'm glad God didn't determine the size of his bladder or we'd all be up to our necks in piss.

"WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! BLEW ME AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Randy Jones, President of Word of Truth Ministry and, I think, also Village People cowboy.

“Ray Comfort does it again! With simplicity and keen insight on the streets, he pulls back the curtain of Evolution and reveals that the Great Wizard of Darwinism is just an insecure little man with a dream of becoming a god.” said Kirk Cameron.

Once again my heart was full. My faith was coming back. I mean, Kirk Cameron built a whole career out of nothing more than being cute enough to cash in, so he was clearly someone I could believe. "Great Wizard of Darwinism" indeed! I laughed as I pictured the Cowardly Lion replaced by a sheep giving birth to a chicken and realized that intelligence had absolutely no place in my life. In fact, I'm going to write back to these "professors" and tell them a thing or two. I mean, sure, they acted perfectly nice to me, but I know God has got my back so I don't have to.