Friday, February 28, 2014

Article About How To Make Salad Dressing Using Just Three Ingredients Actually Requires Six

Once again the "Make Your Own Salad Dressing" contingent is waging war on those those of us who believe tasty salad dressing only comes in bottles. Once again -- this time in an article on the Consumerist website -- they say, "Oh, but it's soooo easy to make! It's so inexpensive! It's so much tastier! A comatose squirrel could whip it up!"

We have endless patience, we salad dressing purchasers. We examine the article. We're mildly annoyed that the first ingredient is simply called "oil," because there are four thousand varieties at the local supermarket and another few dozen at the gas station. We're somewhat peeved that the second ingredient is "acid," because we didn't realize that before dinner we'd have to take a hammer to a Duracell. Yes, that's certainly easier than heading to the neighborhood grocery and looking for a picture of Paul Newman.

But we're dumbfounded that the third ingredient is "Other stuff."

"Other stuff." You know: stuff that isn't oil or acid. To the casual reader this category seems to include things like frozen buffalo burgers, Quorn, and leftover hash browns.

The examples they give of "Other stuff" are "[m]ustard, jam/preserves, herbs (parsley, basil, etc.), garlic, shallots, ginger, soy sauce, tahini." Really, Homemade Dressing Enthusiasts? Call me crazy, but "other stuff" really shouldn't be thought of as one ingredient considering with a pound of hamburger and tomato paste you can MAKE CHILI OUT OF IT.

It's weird these Homemade Dressing Advocates aim their patronizing assistance at complete kitchen incompetents -- of whom I'm a proud member -- yet complete kitchen incompetents can easily end up with plumber's putty following their recipe. How about if I throw together sesame oil, red wine vinegar, and grape jam? Sound like something you'd like to drizzle on arugula? How about truffle oil, lemon juice and mint jelly? Mmm -- that'll certainly add some interest to a boring iceberg wedge.

The article blithely assures us that these will be delicious. Just whisk the three ingredients together, and -- Ta-dah! Salad dressing.

Oh, and when it's done, they say, add salt, pepper, and a sweetener, because ACID, you know?

Anyway, thanks again, Homemade Dressing Devotees. Once again you've foisted your totally-unhelpful message upon an unsuspecting world. Me, I'm going to continue whipping up salads with packaged lettuce and bottled dressing and then I'm going to make a little pile of things you can jam up your ass. Just two things, I think: a carrot, a candle, an iPod loaded with the complete discography of Sheryl Crow and an unopened game of Clue.

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