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Jesus predicted that just before His return as Judge, there will be a strange, dangerous fad -- a spontaneous global steamroller notable for its speed, violence, and impudent in-your-face openness.

That's definitely same-sex marriage. Wait, unless it's the Choking Game or vodka eyeballing. Slinkies could be the work of the devil too.

In Luke 17 He called this worldwide craze the repeat of the "days of Lot" (see Genesis 19). By fulfilling this worldwide mania that's secretly coordinated by unseen spirit beings, gays are really hurrying up Christ's return and making the Bible even more believable!

Oh, puh-LEEZE! How could we ever doubt a book where donkeys talk and a bear kills kids for laughing at male pattern baldness? And what part of the Bible exactly is same-sex marriage making more believable? Does Leviticus predict that it'll cause Pottery Barn's stock to soar?

As for the idea that I'm being coordinated by unseen spirit beings, you obviously haven't seen my clothes.

They've actually invented strange architecture: closets opening not on to bedrooms but on to Main Streets where kids can see naked men having sex in "Madam" Nancy Pelosi's San Francisco Brothel District. We wonder how soon S.F.'s underground saint -- San Andreas -- will get a 10-point jolt out of what goes on over his head (see the dire prediction about cities in Revelation 16:19, and Google "Obama Supports Public Depravity").

"'Madam' Nancy Pelosi"? Where'd that come from, "Rutabaga Head"? Your correlation between sin and natural disaster makes me wonder why God killed the dinosaurs. Did they mix cotton and polyester? I mean, clearly the T Rex's hands were too small to shoplift.

And if you're talking about the fabulous Folsom Street Fair, which began in 1984, here's an equally valid headline: GEORGE BUSH AND HIS IDIOT SON SUPPORT PUBLIC DEPRAVITY. Just try not to picture it.

What's really scary is the "reprobate mind" phrase in Romans 1:28. A person can sear his conscience so much that God finally turns him over to S, the universal evil leader whose unseen agents can give a "possessed" person super-human strength that many cops with tasers have trouble subduing!

Okay, maybe my standards have been diluted by superhero movies, but it's hard to get excited about a villain whose powers are on a par with crystal meth.

Remember, gays don't have to stay bound to their slavery. Their emancipation is found in a 5-letter name starting with J (no, not James or Julia). As soon as they can find out the all-powerful J name, gays will really start living! (Google "God to Same-Sexers: Hurry Up," "USA -- from Puritans to Impure-itans," and "The Background Obama Can't Cover Up.") Was Jesus silent about gays? Google " 'Jesus Never Mentioned Homosexuality.' When gays have birthdays...."

If being tied up and gagged by a guy named Ramon is slavery, then -- wait, I guess it is kind of slavery. But it's the good kind, where you have coffee and scones afterward.

As for gays being responsible for all the sin in the world, I suggest you Google "Testy Fest." If San Andreas saw all those heterosexual balls dangling over his head, he'd never open his mouth again.