Let's Take A Look At Justin Bieber's Arrest Report

OFC. COSNER #526 WAS TRAVELING SOUTHBOUND ON PINE TREE DRIVE AND OBSERVED TWO LAMBORGINIS (ONE YELLOW AND ONE RED) NORTHBOUND IN THE 2600 BLOCK OF PINE TREE DRIVE.

Yes, there's an H in "Lamborghini," but pretty close is good enough according to Florida law.

OFC. COSNER STATES THAT HE OBSERVED TWO BLACK SUV'S BEHIND BOTH VEHICLES AS IF TO STOP TRAFFIC GOING NORTHBOUND.

More than one SUV would be SUVs. With the apostrophe, it means an SUV owns the word that follows it. Which means the rest of this sentence is about the SUV's behind.

THIS FACILITATED AN OPEN ROAD FOR THE TWO LAMBORGINIS TO RACE. OFC. COSNER THEN MADEAU-TURN

-- that's when you sashay around the corner like Tyler Perry --

AND BEGAN TRAVELING NORTHBOUND TO CATCH UP TO THE VEHICLES. OFC. COSNER OBSERVED BOTH VEHICLES START A CONTEST OF SPEED (DRAG RACING) FROM A START . OFC. COSNER ESTIMATES THAT BOTH VEHICLES ATTAINED AN APPROXIMATE SPEED OF ABOUT 55-60 MPH.

I asked Ofc. Cosner if 55 mph could really be considered drag racing and he said, "Bite me."

THE SPEED LIMIT IN THIS RESIDENTIAL AREA IS 30 MPH. OFC. COSNER VIA HIS RADIO ADVISED OTHER UNITS OF THE SPEEDING VEHICLES.

"Quick," he said breathlessly, "I need backup! There are two cars going 55 mph here!"

I WAS AT 41ST AND PINETREE WHEN THE RADIO TRANSMISSION WAS MADE. I OBSERVED BOTH VEHICLES APPROACHING 41ST STREET. OFC. COSNER INITIATED A TRAFFIC STOP ON THE RED FERRARI AT 41ST AND PINETREE DR. THE YELLOW LAMBORGINI MADE A RIGHT TURN ONTO 41 ST AND CONTINUED EAST BOUND.

You might think it's strange that the red Lamborghini has turned into a Ferrari. By the end of this thing, though, Bieber is driving a lawn dart.

I CAUGHT UP TO THE YELLOW LAMBORGINI AND INITIATED A TRAFFIC STOP AT THE 300 BLK OF 41ST. I APPROACHED THE VEHICLE ON THE DRIVER SIDE. I ASKED THE DRIVER TO PLACE THE VEHICLE IN PARK. AT THIS TIME, THE DRIVER. BEGAN TO STATE:"WHY DID YOU STOP ME".

He finished stating it at approximately twenty-three hundred hours.

I EXPLAINED TO THE DRIVER THAT HE WAS STOPPED BECAUSE HE WAS DRAG RACING WITH THE OTHER LAMBORGINI.

"Man, you totally messed up my race," the driver said. "Once I hit 55 I was like, 'Motherfucker, eat my dust!'"

I IMMEDIATELY SMELLED AN ODOR OF ALCOHOL EMINATING FROM THE DRIVERS BREATH AND BLOODSHOT EYES.

Which in retrospect is kind of weird considering later breath tests showed he'd had the equivalent of one-fifth of an O'Douls.

THE DRIVER HAD SLOW DELIBERATE MOVEMENTS AND A STUPER LOOK ON HIS FACE.

= "stupor" + low IQ

THESE ARE ALL INDICATORS OF AN IMPAIRED DRIVER.

Unless you're a lemur, in which case I'm sorry to bother you, ma'am.

I ASKED THE DRIVER TO EXIT THE VEHICLE TO CONTINUE MY INVESTIGATION OF A POSSIBLE IMPAIRED DRIVER. THE DRIVER STATED:" WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS"?

I didn't answer because one of the most effective methods of controlling a suspect is making him stew in his own juice.

FINALLY, THE DRIVER EXITED THE VEHICLE AS HE KEPT GOING INTO HIS PANTS POCKETS.

I was surprised he fit but he's a tiny mofo.

I ASKED THE DRIVER TO NOT GO INTO HIS POCKETS FOR MY SAFETY AND HIS.

I mean, have you ever jammed your hand into the corner of your Tic Tacs?

FEARING THAT THE DRIVER MIGHT HAVE A WEAPON OR CONTRABAND, I ASKED THE DRIVER TO PLACE HIS HANDS ON HIS VEHICLE IN ORDER TO FACILITATE A CURSORY PATDOWN FOR WEAPONS. THE DRIVER STATED:"WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO, WHY DID YOU STOP ME."

I immediately became cognizant of the fact that the driver is prone to run-on sentences. I didn't answer because I didn't hear a question mark.

AGAIN I ASKED THE DRIVER TO PLACE HIS HANDS ON HIS VEHICLE. THE DRIVER COMPLIED BUT TOOK HIS HANDS OFF THE VEHICLE SOON AFTER AND TURNED AROUND TO FACE ME. AGAIN I ASKED THE DRIVER TO NOT TAKE HIS HANDS OFF HIS CAR AND TO LOOK FORWARD BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO PERFORM A CURSORY PATDOWN. THE DRIVER STATED:"I AINT GOT NO FUCKING WEAPONS, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SEARCH ME,WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ABOUT?"

I ADVISED THE DRIVER THAT IF HE CONTINUED TO TAKE HIS HANDS OFF HIS VEHICLE, HE WOULD BE SUBJECT TO ARREST. THE DRIVER AGAIN TURNED AROUND TO FACE ME. AT THIS TIME, I GRABBED HIS RIGHT HAND AND STATED TO HIM THAT HE WAS UNDER ARREST. THE DRIVER BEGAN TO RESIST ME BY PULLING HIS RIGHT ARM AWAY AS HE STATED:"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING".

I ADVISED THE DRIVER NOT TO RESIST AND WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF OFC. MOLINA ID# 064 AND OFC. SOCARRAS#501 , WE PLACED HIM INTO CUSTODY WITH NO FURTHER INCIDENT.

I thanked God, because a day where a dude tries to pull his arm away twice is a day I don't want to live through. The other officers and I agreed never to divulge that it took three policemen to arrest a dude that an angry tabby could have brought down.

THE DEF.WAS TRANSPORTED TO THE MIAMI BEACH POLICE DEPARTMENT BY OFFICER DIONNE. WHILE EN ROUTE TO THE STATION, DEF INQUIRED AS TO WHY HE'D BEEN ARRESTED. OFFICER DIONNE ADVISED HIM THAT HE BELIEVED HE WAS IMPAIRED.

Def said, "Well, if you're impaired, then let me drive!" and Officer Dionne said, "Nobody likes a smartass!"

DEF ADVISED THAT HE WAS NOT DRUNK, AND THAT HE WAS COMING BACK FROM RECORDING MUSIC AT A STUDIO. ONCE AT THE MBPD HOLDING FACILITY, OFFICER DIONNE OBSERVED DEF TO HAVE A FLUSHED FACE, BLOODSHOT EYES, AND THE ODOR OF AN ALC. BEV. ON HIS BREATH.

In retrospect, still weird. One-fifth of an O'Douls!

DEF WAS OFFERED SFSTs [Standardized Field Sobriety Tests] ON A FLAT, DRY, SMOOTH, AND WELL LIT SURFACE. DEF DID NOT PERFORM TO STANDARDS. DEF LATER AGREED TO A BREATH TEST AS WELL AS A DRUG EVALUATION. IT WAS ALSO LEARNED THAT THE DEF. HAS AN EXPIRED GEORGIA DRIVERS LICENSE (06/24/2013). CHARGE ADDED.

Sure, he had a Florida license, but nobody cared. I started saying "YOU JUST CAN'T LET THEM GEORGIA LICENSES EXPIRE!" and ended shortly thereafter.