Friday, April 6, 2012

A Detailed Time Line Of The Rest Of Alec Baldwin's Life

2013: Four hundred of the couple's closest friends receive an announcement in the mail saying, "Alec Baldwin and Hilaria Thomas invite you to Calvary Chapel in Montauk, Long Island, on October 24, 2014 to celebrate their gloat down the aisle."

2014: Four hundred of the couple's closest friends receive a notice in the mail saying, "Alec and Hilaria Baldwin have mixed feelings in announcing the arrival of a ridiculously useless lump of human flesh."

2016: Since his marriage to yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas lasted just eighteen months, Alec Baldwin resolves to find a partner who is even better at balancing his overbearing personality. He announces his engagement to a four foot pile of vanilla pudding.

2017: @alecbaldwin tweets, "Row row row your BOAT. Row row row your BOAT. How fuckin' hard is that to sing?"

2018: In a startling about-face, Alec Baldwin accepts a role on a TV sitcom playing an arrogant, self-centered grandpa.

2019: Little Baracka Baldwin is hospitalized for injuries to her palms suffered during a particularly animated game of Patty Cake.

2022: After 10 years practicing yoga and the intervention of two high-profile construction companies, Alec Baldwin actually touches his feet.

2024: In his last tweet, @alecbaldwin writes, "If Quacker Factory doesn't start making sweatshirts for men, I'M FUCKIN' OUT OF HERE."

1 comment:

jeesau said...

That's just excellent, and good clean fun. Jeanne Bice, up in her heavenly sweater factory, wishes she would have thought of Quacker Factory sweaters for men.

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