Monday, April 23, 2012

Earth Day Every Day

People who are smarter than you really think you should wise up. I mean, the world is evolving at a tremendous pace, but you're still fucking around. The experts all agree: you're being stupid and irresponsible and you really need to change. Thank God Sunday's New York Daily News offers the first of an endless series of changes you can make so in the future you won't embarrass us quite so much.

Buy food from farmers' markets. “The carbon impact of transportation is reduced,” says one eco-expert. “And if the food is organic, which it almost always is, no chemical pesticides will have been used."

Easy, right? And you may be surprised to find that malformed, bug-eaten Amish heritage tomatoes are just $69 a pound.

Bring your own kitchenware when you buy lunch. “Think about how waste-free you'll be,” says an expert. "Some places will even serve you in your own reusable containers."

Is that brilliant? Heck, I'll bet you eat out less often, too, after everybody knows you as "The idiot who brings his own plate."

Use natural household cleaning products.

Vinegar and baking soda make a fabulous household cleaner, provided you don't actually own anything dirty. They have the added benefit that, when your stove gets too caked with grease to be usable, you can actually eat them without guilt.

Compost in your kitchen.

This has the added benefit of confusing people who break into your home looking for a toilet.

Make that air conditioning more efficient by lowering the shades in your apartment.

Goodbye, sunlight. Adios, outdoors. Don't worry: the experts say it's okay to be a little bit depressed.

Flush less water. Install a Toilet Tank Bank made by Niagara Conservation, which essentially is a water balloon placed in the toilet tank. It saves up to .8 gallons per flush.

See, the guy who invented toilets was crazy. His toilet used way too much water because he wanted to make 100% sure that all his crap was flushed. Well, these days the experts say we don't need that kind of certainty. They're fine if you're even 30% sure you haven't left a log behind.

Cut back by installing a shower head that is EPA approved.

The experts agree that your shower and your grandpa should have pretty much the same rate of flow.

Sell your old electronics on websites like They even pay for shipping.

How does this help the earth? Because the folks at the post office don't use any energy at all.

In closing, I'll confirm that maybe some of these "tips" don't sound quite so smart. But take my word for it: they have been put together by people who are smarter than you, so just shut up and go with them. Yes, your house will be dirty. You'll have food rotting in the kitchen, and stuff floating in the bathroom. The experts assure me, though, that if somebody comes to visit, it'll be so dark they won't recognize you.


jeesau said...

My fav: "This has the added benefit of confusing people who break into your home looking for a toilet."

Yet Another Steve said...

Okay, so I'm composting in my kitchen, but now I have to keep the air conditioning set at 32 degrees to keep the odor down. I'm not sure about this ...