On March 20, Michelle Obama gathered the world's press in her garden, and with much fanfare she planted seeds into the ground beside the White House. Several hundred people witnessed this and took pictures as she dug tiny holes in the soil, deposited the seeds, then covered the area with dirt and sprinkled water atop. "I'm just a normal, everyday housewife," was the message she wanted to convey, "doing what I can for my family and the environment."
Fast-forward three months into the future. Just yesterday, June 16, this same First Lady led a bunch of schoolchildren to this exact same place, and what did they find?
VEGETABLES.
Yes, you heard me right. These people found vegetables, lying on top of and even under the ground. Matt Drudge breathlessly calls this harvest MICHELLE'S MIRACLE GROW, because what other explanation can there be? He's got the dates there in unflinching black and white:
PLANT: MARCH 20...
HARVEST: JUNE 16...
Like me I know you're sitting there shaking your head in disbelief. But, my friend, numbers don't lie. Which means we find ourselves facing what's surely the most bizarre question that anyone has ever asked a First Lady:
Who can put seeds in the ground and come back three months later to find food?
Now, perhaps there's a rational explanation. Maybe a vegetable vendor's cart broke down just uphill from there. Maybe the Secret Service went into the garden the previous night and peppered the area with vegetables as some sort of joke.
But my lucky monkey's paw points to a far more sinister scenario. I hate to cast aspersions, but I find no other alternative. Because what other rational explanation is there for a woman who plants beans in the ground and just three months later uncovers food?
I regret to say, then, that this notice must serve as public announcement: I hereby join Mr. Drudge and his followers in demanding an explanation. We Americans deserve the truth, however unbelievable or unsavory it may be.
Now, I know all you bleeding-heart liberals are going to jump in and condemn me, so let me make clear that nobody's rushing to judgement here. We just want an explanation. We want to hear her side. We're not saying this necessarily has to be bad.
If, for instance, she traded New Hampshire to some conjurer for those magic beans, everything would be okay.
1 comment:
She's a witch! It's unnatural! Al Qaeda must have snuck in and put those vegetables there! North Koreans! Satan himself! Everybody knows that vegetables come from the supermarket, they don't just grow on trees you know. I'll bet if we really dig here we'll get to the bottom of it all, and maybe even find a potato or two.
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