Mr. Letterman did nothing intentionally wrong. He made a joke about Sarah Palin's daughter being loose without realizing Ms. Palin had two daughters, one of whom is fourteen. Mr. Letterman apologized for causing confusion. Rumor had it that CBS head Les Moonves didn't like that apology, so Dave apologized again.
Three thousand miles away, Ms. Palin accepted this apology in a monologue that tied together baseball, women's rights, and our brave troops fighting for freedom in Iraq.
And then the Republicans started calling for Dave to resign.
See, here's how it goes in Republican circles: Apologize. You apologize! No, really -- you've got to apologize! (Pause.) Okay, now resign.
When I read about the protest, I couldn't believe it. I was already pissed that Dave had been railroaded into the second apology, and this was just too much. The offense was a product of Republican imagination, and somehow they got it barrelling out of control. They scored a few victories and wanted more. Hellmann's pulled their advertising from Dave's show. Olive Garden pulled their advertising. Embassy Suites pulled their advertising.
Fire Dave? It seemed like they actually had a chance.
So, I decided to counter-protest with my own little sign:
Sarah needs a life
Bristol needs a spouse
I see idiots
from my house
Needless to say, the protesters weren't exactly thrilled to see me. "I see idiots in your house," one guy told me, and twenty others detailed more of my personality flaws. It didn't bother me. I wasn't there to convert their side: I was there to entertain ours.
Unfortunately, as it turns out, I was our side. Apparently Letterman fans have lives.
The police led me out of that pen -- holding maybe thirty protesters and fifty members of the media -- and built another pen for me special. A counter-protesting pen.
Try to get that kind of service from your cops, Cincinnati.
I waved my sign and chanted and immediately got swarmed by fans. Once again I was reminded how fun protests are. First, a lot of cool people come up to you and act friendly, which doesn't often happen in New York. And second, millions of people will take pictures of you. I felt like Will Ferrell at a movie premiere. I rarely get that kind of attention, and sometimes I mix plaids.
One of the first reporters to approach me was a young dude with gay Miami hair -- short, thick, and wavy with brassy highlights -- asking me to explain my sign. "When the Republicans lost power," I said, "they just -- I assumed they would shut up and go away. Now they're just making problems, creating things where nothing exists, and they're going after an innocent man."
"But how does Bristol needing a spouse -- are you suggesting that because she had a baby and she's not married that, uh, she should be attacked? Is that what you're suggesting by the sign?"
Is that a great quote? The Republicans dragged poor pregnant Bristol and her sad-sack boyfriend Levi onstage during some presidential speech and all but screamed "DON'T WORRY! THEY'RE GETTING MARRIED!" But I'm the sexist fool who thinks single moms need men.
I glanced at his press credentials and it hit me. "Sorry," I replied, "I didn't realize you were Fox News."
Note to this guy: people with black hair need to leave the peroxide in longer or their highlights look brassy and cheap. Hope this helps!
At times it seemed like Fox News was really running the show. They had at least a dozen employees on hand, including two camera crews, and a truck parked on site with antennae on top. All the other media had one or two representatives at best: MTV, ABC, NBC, Air America, the New York Daily News, Slate, Maxim, Sirius, Salon. And all this for a measly thirty-something people averaging sixty-something in age. John Ziegler -- some right-wing radio host -- organized the protest, and spread word on his show. Supposedly Sean Hannity promoted the protest on his TV show.
And they got three dozen people to show up. Yeah, this movement has really touched the hearts of America.
As time went by, a few other counter-protesters wandered in and out, including a really funny faux-Republican from something called the Ron and Fez show. He kept starting silly chants: first "Stop free speech!" and then, two minutes later, "Start free speech!" Late Show staffers began turning up after the day's taping had ended. I recognized two stage hands from comedy bits on the show. Five or six of them thanked me for counterprotesting, and said Dave appreciated it.
Then I noticed Tony Mendez, Dave's cue card holder, and like a tweener spotting Robert Pattinson I ran over and started screaming about how much I loved him. He's handsome, he's funny, he might possibly be gay. If he'd been driving, I'd be in the back seat of his car and shirtless right now.
"Shh!" he whispered, pointing to the protesters. "If they see me, they'll lynch me!"
We chatted for a while about the protest, and he too thanked me for coming. He said, "I'll even give you a souvenir," and he pulled a couple double-erasered pencils out of his bag and gave them to me. "Dave uses those on the show," he said.
Then he hugged me and said goodbye.
And that's when the clouds parted and Jesus smiled at me and I thought, you know, I really like protesting. In fact, I wish more idiots would do more horrible things. I got thanks, and presents, and a hug goodbye. Buddy, that beats relationships in my book.
Ridiculously, this little charade is all over the internet today. I made the news on quite a few channels. Fox News has our exchange online. Entertainment Weekly stupidly quotes just the first line of my sign. The Daily Beast says the Ron & Fez show plant was "huge." Yeah, he had to be five foot eight, a hundred forty pounds. But maybe people look fatter when they're flailing on the ground.
As an extra added plus, I'm learning a lot about myself from all this protesting. For instance, with just a little effort I can make sure nobody photographs me with bad posture, or crumbs in my beard, or wayward hair in my face.
(Photo courtesy of the Village Voice.)
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