Bush was so nervous, in fact, that the CIA considered just shooting the catcher and then telling everybody he was armed.

"Contagion" infected enough moviegoers to catch the top spot at the box office. [The film] made fans cough up $23.1 million in its first weekend, according to studio estimates yesterday.

Look for the film to continue at this blistering rate to bleeding soar until Thanksgiving. Seats are going quick: don't get there late, or you may have to yank out a spotty green stool.

A recent study by the Memorial University of Newfoundland shows that fatherhood significantly decreases testosterone in human males. This drop may be an evolutionary response that redirects the male from further interest in mating toward caregiving of resulting offspring.

The headline was not Science Explains Jon Gosselin.

Jeez Louise, it seems like everybody's screaming over this ridiculous little Toddlers & Tiaras fiasco. Well, I've heard enough. It's time to put in my two cents.

Wendy Dickey, a pageant mom, entered her three-year-old daughter Paisley in a kiddie beauty pageant. The pageant, naturally, included a costume competition, and the theme was Celebrity Wear. The kids had to dress like celebrities.

Ms. Dickey thought long and hard about this, and finally decided Paisley would dress like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

After the episode aired, the doo-doo hit the fan. How dare a child dress like a hooker! everyone screamed. What kind of lesson is this for a kid?

Well, I've stayed silent too long. It's time somebody defended Ms. Dickey. I see absolutely no problem with what she did, and that's not just because she too names her children after fabric.

First, maybe Julia Roberts started out as a whore, but she ended up married to a gorgeous billionaire. I'd have no problem with little Houndstooth stalking the streets if I knew she was gonna be banged by Richard Gere. And second, I hear Ms. Dickey wanted to dress Paisley like Gandhi but white makes her look washed out.

In a stroke of brilliance, though, Ms. Dickey has found a way to stem the controversy: she's going to sell the costume and donate the proceeds to charity.

Her charity choice? Georgia Right to Life, an anti-abortion organization whose mission is "Protecting innocent life from fertilization until natural death."

I'm not real sure about this part, because do we really need to protect innocent life from fertilization? Honestly, how much harm can a sperm do to --

Oh. I get it now.

Anyway, that's just my opinion, but I hope you agree. And if you see the outfit on eBay, please bid on it. You'd help preserve the sanctity of human life, and get that extra little bonus of being able to dress your daughter like a whore.

Highlight from the L. A. Times Review of "Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star"

This is ribbing for no one's pleasure.

Girlfriend, I am totally with you. The loss of life! The property damage! And that's assuming Chaz is going to wear pants!

I also can't wait for Jesus to return. All his followers are going to come from far and wide to meet him, and he's going to look at them, shrug his shoulders, and say, "What, just idiots?"

Great. Now who's going to clean that up?

Breaking News From the Los Angeles Times

Los Angeles authorities have arrested three men who allegedly stole a car featured on the reality TV show
Bait Car.

Really? Wow. That's incredible.

Keep an eye out for tomorrow's lead, "Fat guy eats muffin on Biggest Loser."

Motion Picture Academy Tries to be Diverse by Hiring a Guy Who Knows Black People

The Los Angeles Times knows why the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences hired Brent Ratner to produce next year's Academy Awards:

This past season, there were no Oscar nominations for any minorities in the major acting, writing or directing categories — a point of embarrassment for the academy. Ratner is white but has a track record of giving great parts to black actors like Chris Tucker and Don Cheadle, and has a kinship with African Americans in his personal life as well, where his gal pals have included Naomi Campbell and Serena Williams. So his selection might be seen as a shrewd way to make the show (if not the actual nominations) more multicultural.

Really? Black people are supposed to be happy because the Academy hired a guy who knows some black people? That's offensive, and it's discriminatory. I mean, like they'd ever make overtures to the gay community by selecting an Oscar host who knows lots of transsex--

Never mind.

At the Reggae Rhythm and Blues Festival in Queens, New York, Democratic U.S. Representative Yvette Clarke introduced reggae artist Beenie Man to the stage with the words, “We welcome you back to the United States of America. We honor you. You have been an outstanding performer and you have made all Jamaicans proud.”

Songs in Beenie Man's repertoire advocate hanging lesbians, slitting gay men’s throats, and shooting them in the head. His song "Damn" contains the line, “I’m dreaming of a new Jamaica, come to execute all the gays."

You know times are tough when you have to demand that your representatives, in the interest of equal time, welcome folks to America who want to kill heteros.

Dear Republicans

Really, gut the EPA? If the only jobs you know how to create involve carrying buckets of chemicals out to the river, people should stay unemployed, thanks.

Why "Childrens Hospital" Star Rob Corddry Loves Porn Star Joanna Angel

FLESHBOT: So how was the experience of working with [Joanna Angel]? Was it everything you'd hoped?

ROB CORDDRY: Yeah, she completely meets every expectation. She's super cool, easy to talk to, looks at you in your eyes when she talks to you, and you can tell like she's got a real passion for getting fucked a lot of different ways in front of a camera.

Love the Smashing Pumpkins but also love a good deal? That's why KGB Deals is here! Like Groupon, KGB Deals offers you fabulous discounts on the products and services you want. But better get in quick -- time is limited, and these deals frequently sell out!

Today we've got tickets for the incredible Smashing Pumpkins show at Terminal 5 in New York City.


Tickets were $55, but for a short time only we're offering them for only $99.50 each!


Oh, wait. What?

Oh. Well, it seems the show sold out, despite the fact everybody realized Billy Corgan is an asshole back in 1972, and some of these new "band members" have spent about as much time playing Smashing Pumpkins music as your Uncle Sid. So this is a real good deal, because scalpers are asking $249 for a pair of tickets. Yes, that seems like an odd price, but scalpers have a horrible fear of rounding up. As we said, we here at KGB Deals have connections to, uh, people who just happened to have access to massive quantities of tickets to, uh, a show that was obviously going to sell out. And who wins? YOU! You don't have to pay their extortionate 226% markup. Thanks to KGB Deals, it's only 181%!

Aside from that, you know, there's no extra fees!

Anyway, better jump, because this might be your last chance to see the Pumpkins. Billy's been arguing with the "bass player" and your Uncle Sid won't answer the phone.

News Flash!

Don't buy over-the-counter drugs at the Dollar Store.

Really! I know, I couldn't believe it either. Wow -- next they're going to say I shouldn't have picked up that Chinese toothpaste.

Why Gay Men Are Arrested For Public Lewdness When Straight Policemen Aren't

I was having a perfectly lovely Labor Day when a bitter little missive from some cynical gay activist totally ruined my mood.

"Dear Roman," it read. "I always suspected that gay men were unfairly targeted for arrest, but a recent incident just takes the cake. Some police officer, while he was on duty, fucked a woman on the hood of her car. Surveillance video filmed it, and now it's all over the internet. Still, the dude wasn't arrested. What the fuck is up with that? Roman, how come gay men are thrown in jail for looking at each other cross-eyed while a straight guy with a badge, carrying a loaded gun, can fuck a woman outdoors in broad daylight and get away scot-free?"

I put down my hot dog but I couldn't lower my pique quite as easily. What an angry man! I thought. I mean, did he honestly think America would allow that kind of double standard? Did he totally miss the logical explanation?

Armed with just a little knowledge of the law, we can see that our system of justice works perfectly.


The letter writer is, of course, alluding to New Mexico police officer Bert Lopez. He was driving around in his patrol car, I guess, when he saw some woman make a traffic infraction. He was all, like, "Can you pull out your driver's license for me?" and she was probably like, "Only if you pull out something for me!" Next thing you know she's getting fucked and pistol-whipped at the same time. Officer Lopez's penis is out and the unnamed woman's pants are around her ankles, but New Mexico State Police spokesman Sgt. Tim Johnson says the situation is "embarrassing" but not illegal.

"Whaaa?" scream some of you cynical types. "Why isn't it illegal? Is it because he's wearing a uniform, or because he's got a dog to keep watch?"

Neither, of course. There's a perfectly logical explanation.

Gay men are generally arrested for public lewdness, which requires two conditions. First, you have to be lewd, and second, you have to be in public. Somebody has to witness your lewdness, and be offended too.

"Well, then," you chirp, "how can men be arrested for public lewdness in dirty bookstores? Nobody's going to be offended there."

Au contraire! Say the police are passing a dirty bookstore, and they decide to drop in and say hi. If they see penises, they could easily get offended and arrest everybody inside.

When Officer Lopez fucked that woman, though, it's possible nobody was around to be offended. See, he told this woman to follow him to a secluded park. Once there, maybe he saw some gay men with their penises out. He and the woman would naturally have been horrified, so he'd arrest them and send them off to jail.

And now that there was nobody around to be offended, Officer Lopez knew he could fuck the woman in broad daylight and everybody would live happily ever after.

And that's why gay men are arrested for public lewdness and straight policemen aren't.

Dear Younger Generation:

I'm sorry us old folks didn't invent computers or cellphones or plasma TVs, but we were too busy writing songs like this. We hope you understand.

With lots of hugs and cheek squeezes,
Old People

Running On Grass, Sarah Palin Ignores Half-Marathon's "Gotcha!" Rules

Christ, it's like everything in Sarah Palin's life is an allegory. Here she breaks all kinds of rules to pass the pack and still doesn't win.

If butterflies didn't exist, bad musicals would have to create them.

Eugene O'Neill describing the trees in Desire Under the Elms:

"They are like exhausted women resting their sagging breasts and hands and hair on its roof, and when it rains their tears trickle down monotonously and rot on the shingles."

Uh, okay, dude. Now explain the squirrels.

See, this is why I don't like symbolism: most comparisons just don't make sense. Do kites get caught up in the limbs of old ladies? Do trees scream at you in Italian when you forget to pull your zipper up?

That little passage makes Mr. O'Neill sound misogynistic as well. I mean, you know you're a wreck when you have to prop up your tits. And I thought the chicks on Millionaire Matchmaker were disgusting. They're golddiggers with fake boobs and no brains, sure, but your shingles are probably safe.

You'd never catch O'Neill comparing trees to dudes.

"They are like exhausted men resting their sagging penises on a coffee table, too thin and white to even be mistaken for Virginia Slims."

Still, it's this "desire" thing that totally loses me. It reminds me of Tennessee Williams' work: arguing and fucking, arguing and fucking. If depression and anger were even remotely erotic, I'd take my dates to Ikea. I'm picturing O'Neill's play going something like this:

INTENSE MAN: "Do you hear that? The incessant drip of rain, like the tears of your mama. And look! Those branches look like wrinkled, sagging boobs. Come slide over next to me, under the blotchy nipple."

INTENSE WOMAN: "I thought you'd never ask. Watching those shingles rot has awakened something deep inside me. (PAUSE) Sweetie, why are you holding the popcorn over your groin?"

Word the New York Daily News Probably Shouldn't Have Used in Their Review of "A Good Old Fashioned Orgy"

lickety-split