DID YOU KNOW? The incredible honeybee uses radar, expert eyesight, and tiny vibrating hairs on his thorax to spot flowers as far as eight miles away, but when he's buzzing around your living room he can't even find the goddamn door.
My ankles are so thin skinny jeans look like bellbottoms on me.
I know exactly what those ultra-marathoners feel like. Yesterday I walked to the store and bought a gallon of water.
One day soon I'm going to match up all my keys with the doors I open and the padlocks I own, and Jesus is going to suddenly appear and say, "You have done well, my child," and then take me to heaven along with all the folks who eat quinoa.
MINISTER: "The ring shows that your husband owns you. Your white dress symbolizes your purity. When your husband pushes your veil away, he is exposing your womanhood. And when he smashes the glass beneath his feet, it is like --"
BRIDE: "CAN WE JUST SAY 'I DO' ALREADY?"
If I ever have kids and they love Disney characters, I'll be fine as long as it's ironically. Like, "Oh, great, there’s Cinderella. What are bitchy women and handsome men doing to her today?"
Crows are the only birds to use tools. So yes, sparrows are still the idiots you thought they were.
No comments:
Post a Comment