Random Thoughts

Hi. I collect TV commercials for women's swimsuits where a guy cannonballs into a pool and a woman sunbathing nearby gets lightly splashed and giggles seductively. Do you know where I can find a computer hard drive that holds more than five hundred million terabytes?

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We ate haggis on the Blarney Stone til dawn,
Then we looked for shamrocks with a leprechaun.

-- Lost verse from Ed Sheeran's "Galway Girl"

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I would seriously save about two hours a day if I’d done my Apple TouchID with a wet fingertip.

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If Africa is the Mother Country, America is the Daughter In Law Who Collects Owls Country

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I’m not saying German words are overly long but their record for the fastest game of Hangman was 42 days 17 hours.

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A German drives into the desert. Days pass since the last time he’s seen another soul. Then far off in the distance, on a barren expanse of land extending into the horizon, he sees a dark speck. It’s moving. It’s a car, he realizes.

“Now it will be difficult to find parking,” he says.

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You know those books where there are clues in the words and illustrations that can lead you to, like, a million-dollar gold-and-diamond butterfly brooch? You’ll have an easier time finding that butterfly than something in a German grocery store labeled “low sodium.”

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Re: Your Note Inquiring As To The Best Way To Show Me The Proper Respect When I Get Home

I have enumerated some suggestions for you. I hope they prove helpful.

1. Sock it to me
2. Sock it to me
3. Sock it to me
4. Sock it to me
5. Sock it to me
6. Sock it to me
7. Sock it to me

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Playing "Happy" at a wedding is like playing "Let's Get It Started" at a funeral.

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People who say, "You get what you pay for" have never ordered tacos in New York.

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I had to walk a friend's Maltese once. Sweetest dog in the world when it was indoors, but outside it was like, "I'M SMELLING THIS POOP AND YOUR TIRED OLD ASS AIN'T GONNA STOP ME!!!"

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HELP! I heard an amazing song on the radio but I don't know the name. The part I heard has these lyrics:

Purple rain, purple rain.
Purple rain, purple rain.
Purple rain, purple rain.
Purple rain, purple rain.
Purple rain, purple rain.
Purple rain, purple rain.
Purple rain, purple rain.

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WHAT PARENTS SAY: "It's a good thing you aren't a mouse, because you'd be dead right now. You'd be sitting in a field playing your mouse video games & you wouldn't even notice the giant hawk swoop down & grab you & tear you apart."

WHAT KIDS THINK: "There are mouse video games?"

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WORLD: "Trimming your pubes makes your dick look bigger."

MY BOYFRIEND: "We're gonna need a bigger razor."