The Catholic Church is acting weird again. Considering that Jesus died about two thousand years ago, it's odd that everything they stand for keeps changing every five minutes or so. In the case of marriage equality and/or gay rights, it's like they're playing Good Cop/Bad Cop with us. "Everybody's cool!" says the Pope. "Everybody is part of God's kingdom!" "Except for the homos!" add the Cardinals.

Last week a press release made clear just how far we'd come. An interim report, supposedly directed by the Pope himself, showed a sea change in the Church's attitude toward gays (though of course they don't actually use that word):

Homosexuals have gifts and qualities to offer to the Christian community. Are we capable of providing for these people, guaranteeing [...] them [...] a place of fellowship in our communities? Oftentimes, they want to encounter a Church which offers them a welcoming home. Are our communities capable of this, accepting and valuing their sexual orientation, without compromising Catholic doctrine on the family and matrimony?...

Without denying the moral problems associated with homosexual unions, there are instances where mutual assistance to the point of sacrifice is a valuable support in the life of these persons. Furthermore, the Church pays special attention to [...] children who live with same-sex couples and stresses that the needs and rights of the little ones must always be given priority.

Naturally hysteria ensued soon after, and literally minutes later that study was being disavowed by literally anyone with a hat or red Prada slip-ons. When this report surfaced next, the message seemed markedly different. I haven't been able to find a translation for the Italian but some maintain it doesn't include quite as much acceptance for the LGBT community as the original version.

E 'un abominio! Si Dio desirio l'uomo di sexo que l'uomo, Dio ha manufatturo Adam e Steve! Glorioso Dio, los homos! Lo qui fucko, fucko, fucko, sempre droppa di soapa. Uno e per eternite, el reigno del Dio es tutto "no homo." Progresso (non la zuppa) esta uno slopo slipperio. Le mondial requisite duo-l'uomo esposo como un Ferrari requisite un transmision automatique. Que es prossimo? Le chien esposo el pollo? El gato esposo la pesce? Non requisito uno Einstein a comprendere: el buttocks molto "EXIT ONLY."

In breve, donne-moi un fuckin' break. Es claro como mi Baccarat cristallo: Il Glorioso Dio desirio sexo sameo matrimonio que il Papa desirio Payless hueraches.