I'm not a real superstitious or optimistic or pleasant person but I got a letter in the mail today that's got me really excited. I mean, ordinarily I'm a skeptic, but everything in the letter sounded true, and it got me wondering. Could something so simple change a person's life so drastically? It seems like it did, just judging from news reports. Here's what it said:

Today is your lucky day. While the other mail you receive will just be junk or bills, this letter brings you something far more exciting. It has been touched by fourteen people from Liberia and may be teeming with the Lucky Ebola virus.

You will receive good luck within four days provided you rub this letter against yourself and then send it on. BUT copies of this letter must leave your hands within 96 hours.

A United States Air force officer received this letter and didn't send it on. John A. Elliot didn't receive a promotion because he broke the chain. In the Philippines, Genio Welsh threw away this letter without reading it. Three days later his dog was attacked by a skunk.

Photocopy this letter twenty times and rub it against the original to transfer the Ebola magic. Then send the copies to friends and associates. After a few days you will get a surprise. This is true even if you are not superstitious.

Dr. Nancy Snyderman never got a fair shake. While other celebrity doctors were jetting around the world to fashionable London or Paris, NBC made her go to Liberia. After her cameraman came down with Ebola, though, the pitiful pumpkin turned into Cinderella. Almost overnight she went from wandering through dirty, dangerous streets to sitting in an ultra-luxurious car getting food from one of New Jersey's most popular restaurants. "I'm not a superstitious person," she admitted, "but even I became convinced of the awesome magic that is Ebola. Just think: two days ago I was wandering a Godforsaken cesspool of disease and today I'm in a Mercedes eating some of the most delicious clam chowder on the East Coast!"

As a hospital nurse, Amber Vinson treated the first man to die in the U. S. of the disease. And just one day later she was jetting across the country to make wedding plans. "I still can't believe it," she gushed. "All I had planned for this weekend was feeding my cats and reading Hello! magazine. But then I touched the Lucky Ebola and now I'm trying on wedding dresses in Cleveland's most popular wedding shop!"

Just days after coming into contact with the bodily fluids of an Ebola victim, a Texas health-care worker found herself on a Carnival Cruise ship sailing the Caribbean. "I was a skeptic too," said the anonymous lady as she readied herself for another quick zip down the ship's water slide. "I've spent most of my life carrying around sick peoples' piss and poop but last night I was in the ship's nightclub boogeying the night away!"

What wonderful fate will befall you if you share the magic Ebola with your friends and neighbors? Possibly nothing. But you just might end up on a surprise trip. You just might find yourself on a crowded cruise. And you just might find yourself in a Mercedes eating soup. Scoff if you want about this letter, but you cannot deny the awesome power of the Lucky Ebola.

It truly works!

Anyway, wish me luck. Call me crazy but I'm rubbing the letter against my pants as we speak. Because what's the harm in trying? Cross your fingers and I just might not be here next week.