Friday, May 30, 2014

Translating a Right-Winger

It's important for the gay community to keep tabs on their enemies. Unfortunately, their writing skills are frequently so inadequate the average reader struggles to grasp a point. To help you understand the beliefs of failed Senate and presidential candidate Alan Keyes, I've translated one of his recent word jumbles into English.

"Homosexuals may argue that the specially combined faculties of human nature have extended human sexual activities, in just this way, beyond what instinctively appears to be their natural limits."

Translation: Many millions of years ago, man invented the blowjob.

"Do we forbid people to fly because they were not born with wings? Do we forbid them to travel to the moon because they were not born equipped to withstand the rigors of being in space?"

Translation: But we need to ask ourselves: are we truly ready for blowjobs?

"Among all the various ways of being in the universe of our experience, isn’t this capacity consciously to extend our reach beyond the limits of our original nature the special quality of our human nature?"

Translation: I mean, you don't see animals blowing each other. I have never been on YouTube.

"Isn’t it the one that, above all, distinguishes humanity from the rest?"

Translation: I daresay it'd be difficult to differentiate humans from tree sloths if it wasn't for the mouth-on-dick thing.

"On the whole, homosexual activity epitomizes this dilemma."

Translation: Sure, straight people want to "extend their reach of sex beyond the limits of its original nature," but chicks freak out when you say "anal." Also, I have never understood double entendres.

"We call it sexual activity because it involves bodily organs and feelings associated with the activity for which the different sexes appear to exist."

Translation: We say it's "sex" because there are penises and ejaculation, but that's like saying there's been a "crime" just because you have twelve pairs of ugly jeans in your car and Sears has a broken window.

"Yet, in the strict sense of the term, it is not "sexual" activity at all."

Translation: It's not sex! It's just "shooting on somebody's face," or "cumming in their ass."

"The functional difference that distinguishes one sex from the other quite literally has nothing to do with same-sex activity."

Translation: No vagina, no sex. That's why there's no rape in prison.

"That activity abstracts from the functionally defined difference in order exclusively to focus on bodily feelings and emotions that are important to the individuals involved, but that are of no consequence, concretely, for the species as a whole."

Translation: Lost. But this thing's got more "wholes" than a lesbian wedding.

"As individuals, some human beings may find this activity intensely gratifying. But considered on the whole, in terms of its consequences, it implies the nonexistence of humanity."

Translation: Circle jerks are hot, but every time a man ejaculates outside a vagina, Frederick Nietsche high-fives Satan.

"The homosexual couple is not engaged in the act of human procreation. Their activity is not haunted by the possibility of human offspring."

Translation: Did I say "haunted"? Yes! For it to qualify as "sex," there needs to be a little spectre of a fetus in the man's brain occasionally screaming, "I NEED DIAPERS AND MONEY FOR COLLEGE!!!"

"Because it is, on the whole, of no consequence, homosexual activity involves no natural right – for every claim of natural right arises from respect for the law of nature, which in turn necessarily requires respect for the nature of law."

Translation: If it can't cause permanent damage, you don't deserve to do it. Eating? Only wild mushrooms and blowfish. Dancing? Only with retards. Hunting? Cool! Look, there's a wild tur--

Oops. Hang in there, buddy. Lemme see if I can go get help.

Thanks JMG!

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