Friday, May 23, 2014

Really, dudes? Of all the things to be afraid of at Dunkin Donuts, chicken apple sausage is your choice?

You got your english muffin. You've got flat, round egg. You've got the usual pre-sliced "cheese." They slap on a sliced sausage that has a little apple in it and all of a sudden you're freaked out?

Really? That's what does it? Not the fact that --

  • This thing sells $1.99, and in New York you can't buy three ounces of wet newspaper and dog farts for $1.99?
  • Two of the ingredients in this sandwich's artificial-butter-sauteed egg are Artificial Butter Flavor and Natural Sauteed Flavor?
  • Some person in power at this chain has decided that orange and pink are wonderful colors to brighten up America's neighborhoods?
  • Due to some analyst's demand that they serve meals as well as dessert, they've got frosted donuts sitting next to tuna melts?
  • The "seasoning" in this tuna melt consists of six ingredients that sound less like food than Matt Damon films? (I'd pay to see him in Nisin Preparation myself.)
  • Dunkin Donuts is a franchise, which means it offers roughly the same guarantee of cleanliness and quality as a yard sale in a cul du sac?
  • A spokesperson for this chain is Eli Manning, who's earned buckets of credibility by tying his name to such prestigious brands as Papa John's, Buick and Gatorade?
  • For many years the best slogan they could come up with was "You Kin' Do It", apparently applauding customers for being able to walk to a store and plop money onto a horizontal surface?
  • They once stopped airing a commercial starring Rachael Ray because a crazy blogger claimed she looked like Yasser Arafat?
Dunkin Donuts is the culinary equivalent of a traveling fair set up in a Sears parking lot. So yeah, guys, have a great time on the Zipper. It took four drunk carnies nearly an hour to build, and they barely had any parts left over. It's been mostly stable since they got those new bungie cords, and you can hardly hear the screech of metal on metal when the music is turned on. For God's sake, though, stay away from the deep-fried tofu: that shit is truly weird.

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