Thursday, May 16, 2013

Good morning, Mr. Fogle. The men you are looking at are high-ranking Russian bureaucrats who might be willing to sell top-secret information to the U. S. A. Your mission is to contact them and judge the possibilities for yourself.

Since discretion is of utmost importance, we've given you a selection of wigs so you won't attract attention.

Yuri Fyodorov is in his sixties, and he might trust you more if he thinks you are close in age. We've furnished you with a professionally-styled "Anderson Cooper" hairpiece.

Sergei Yuditsky is long-time bureaucrat who appears unwilling or unable to get promoted. He might be more willing to trust you if also look like a failed bureaucrat, so we recommend a style like the "Michael Scott."

Ivan Yanukovich sympathizes with the class struggles of immigrants and ethnic minorities, so for him we propose the "Movin' On Up."

Anatoly Kasyanenko is an ex-Gestapo agent and a real hard-liner. For its hint of instability and menace we recommend the "Pulp Fiction" model.

The "Monkees" wig might give you an edge with Anatoly Kasyanenko. His kids are named Davy, Micky, Michael and Peter but it could just be a coincidence.

Additionally, these sunglasses might come in handy, but we recommend not pairing them with the "Pulp Fiction" wig if one truly wishes to avoid drawing attention.

We've also provided you with a stack of 500-euro notes to encourage these men to aid us. If for some reason you can't find them, we've printed up a bunch of letters you can slide under their doors asking if they'd like to be spies.

Your mission, Ryan, should you decide to accept it, is to win these men's trust and convince them to sell you top-secret information. As always, should you or any of your IM Force be caught or killed, the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This tape won't self-destruct, because we've just given you a ton of evidence so what difference is one more thing going to make? Good luck, Ryan.

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