I am absolutely aghast. This week Germany took steps to outlaw circumcision, calling it "bodily harm," and actually saying it should be banned.

Is that incredible? I mean, you can't get any more anti-religion without smacking a nun in the face. Are these guys utterly clueless? They clearly don't realize that some of us will fight to the death for our right to cut parts off our kids.

Germany's Central Council of Jews protested the ruling, calling it an "unprecedented and dramatic intrusion on the right to self-determination of religious communities." Which is right on, as my metaphysical construct of Self consists of my id, ego, and offspring willy. The Central Council of Muslims also echoed the outrage, saying the court's decision was "blatant and inadmissible interference." But oh, no. Germany just had to get between me and my doctor discussing the body parts my son doesn't need.

This is sooo wrong-headed it actually makes me wonder about Germany. I mean, at first glance they seem so smart, using those giant mugs for beer. But circumcision is a long tradition, and long traditions have to be obeyed regardless of how crazy they sound. I don't know about you, but if my parents did something repeatedly, then I have to do it too. That's why I drink sherry at five o'clock every night, and sit real close to babysitters.

Circumcision also comes straight from the Bible, which is God's Honest Truth. These are the actual words of Our Lord, as transcribed by people who wore animal skins and thought thunder was the Giant Sky Leopard farting. There's no reason not to believe them, because everybody who was crazy back then was inventing Buddhism.

Besides, circumcision is actually a good thing. If we didn't circumcise boys at birth, we'd have to do it later, and then just try finding a towel that'll soak up all the blood. Babies hardly even feel it. Okay, they all start crying, but that's probably because we haven't given them iPods yet. Post-birth is the prime time for surgery: that's why I told my OB/GYN to check my daughter for a big nose and flat chest even before he counted her toes.

I guess it's the whole "pointy knife and healthy flesh" thing that makes people think irrationally. I've even heard circumcision compared to female genital mutilation. Sure, they're both parental-driven body modifications based on religious beliefs or superstition, but otherwise they're not even close. I found a graphic in one of my old medical textbooks that illustrates the difference.

So, I beg you to join me in this fight. At the very least, think of your own son. Imagine the snickers he'll hear from kids who see his uncut penis in the shower after gym class. And, well, imagine that he can't reply, "So, dudes, why the fuck are you looking at my dick?"

I know after careful consideration you'll join me in this battle. I mean, this is a Bible-fearing country! God's rule is law here, which is why there are eight thousand people with rocks outside Kim Kardashian's house as we speak.