I usually don't tell my readers to buy stuff, but today I found an incredible offer I just can't refuse. For a limited time only, you can buy this little ride-on car from Groupon that's worth faaar more than $44 in technological achievements alone.

I mean, look at all those impressive words: Inertia. Centrifugal force. Friction. I don't think I've ever seen anything that was inexpensive yet totally obeyed the laws of nature. Why, I'll bet Isaac Newton is totally frictionless in his grave!

Now, okay, maybe if you think about it, it isn't all that impressive. Inertia: the tendency of an object at rest to stay at rest. Maybe the folks who wrote this are unaware, but this pretty much means, "If your kid weighs more than eight ounces, YOU'VE GOT TO PUSH THIS THING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER."

Then there's centrifugal force. This is when something moving in a circle behaves as if it's experiencing an outward force. It might not be something you look for in a children's toy, as it kind of means, "Jerk the steering wheel hard and kid face hits pavement." Concerned parents probably don't buy toys because the box says they're like tiny Suzuki Samurais.

Still, those minor deficiencies are dwarfed by the fact that this amazing little car is powered by friction. Friction, you know, is the impedance caused by two objects in contact: in this case, plastic wheels and concrete. See, without friction, if you gave your kid a little push, he'd never stop. Two hundred years from now, there'd be a tiny skeleton puttering through Chinatown. Thanks to friction, though, he'll stop! This little puppy will actually zip along at nearly six miles an hour, provided you're pushing it while running sixty-five. I say thank god someone's finally harnessed the awesome power of friction, and I call on automakers everywhere to follow suit. I mean, think of how much greener the world would be if you had to push your Prius everywhere you went.

Last, I don't mean to brag but I've nearly got a degree in Physics from a top online university, and there's one force they forgot. Gravity! I'll bet if you push this sucker off a forty-foot cliff, it would really move.

In closing, my sincere compliments to whoever thought up the name. Really, PlaSmart PlasmaCar? The "Smart" and "car" parts conjure up thoughts of electric motors. "Plasma" makes me think of high-tech TVs, or selling my blood to pay for that online university. I'd never have believed that any of these words would relate to this thing. That's why I'm not in marketing, I guess. I'd probably have gone with "U push it and it might move, it's a big plastic paperweight on wheels!!!" though if I read something like that, I wouldn't be ordering six as we speak.