Strip off your clothes and shake your ass: It's Latin Music Night!

Every year American Idol has Latin Music Night, and every year I shake my head. For one thing, they never define what "Latin music" is. The songs aren't all written by Latins, and weren't all originally recorded by Latins. This year one contestant sang "Sway," which is a Dean Martin classic. Were these tunes all recorded by people who liked tacos?

"Turn the Beat Around" is absolutely, positively not a Latin song. If I had to put it in five music genres, they would be (in order):

1. Gay
2. Very Gay
3. Really Gay
4. Still Incredibly Gay
5. Disco

On the bright side, it's nice they're trying to expose us to a different types of music, like old-school soul or big band. But the songs they choose don't seem likely to do the trick. Are the words "The rhythm is gonna get you" repeated over and over for eight minutes before a snapped "TONIGHT!" the best Latin lyricists can do? Will somebody really be won over by a song that rhymes "conga" with "longa"? Isn't the booty-shaking and the short-shorts implicit acknowledgement that the music itself is weak?

If I were Hispanic, I'd be offended. I mean, how do skin-tight clothes, booty-shaking, and Gloria Estefan make Latin Night? I'd be furious if I tuned in to catch Gay Night, where everybody was dressed in sequins and see-through tops and singing Elton John songs. That kind of atrocity shouldn't be spewed out on the airwaves: it should stay in our commitment ceremonies, where it belongs.

Still, I guess they mean well, responding to the changing face of America. It's a melting pot here, and every culture should be included. I applaud American Idol, and I look forward to the day when every single one of us will be able to tune in, hear somebody like Sanjaya croon a song in our native language, then gaze in shock at the television and exclaim, "What the hell kind of crap was that?"