Dear Passing Car Thief

Dear Passing Car Thief,

Picture yourself behind the wheel of this amazing sports car. No, the word “car” doesn’t do this baby justice: this is a finely-tuned automotive machine. Look at those sleek lines, that sassy spoiler, those eighteen-inch rims. With five on the floor, a turbo-charged V8 and three hundred and fifty-seven horses this baby’s got power to burn. Porsche owners are gonna run crying under their mama’s skirts when they see you coming.

Next, cast an eye on the luxe interior. The console wraps around you like a cockpit, with neon-blue lighting casting a cool futuristic glow. That’s real mahogany inlaid in the dashboard, and thick wool carpeting at your feet. Those are Italian-made bucket seats, with lumbar supports on the driver’s side, and more supple Corinthian leather than you’d find on a whole herd of cows.

Whether you're a full time pro or just some passing junkie looking for something to sell for quick cash, this baby’s just the ticket. This car is flying out of dealerships at $30,000, and you gotta give the dealer five hundred bucks and a massage just to get on the waiting list. Drive it down to the Lower East Side and stop anybody on the sidewalk and they’d gladly give you $10,000 for it. Or take a short hop down to Jersey and pull into any salvage yard and they’d fork over five or six thou easy, just for parts, no questions asked. (I mean, the front and side airbags alone are worth a couple grand!)

Now, you may be thinking this a setup, but I promise you, it's a piece of cake. After dark this street is deserted, and I’ll bet you could pick the lock and hotwire this thing inside of sixty seconds. And the best part is, since this car’s alarm has been going off every four minutes since God created chickens, the people living nearby -- like me -- aren’t even going to bat an eyelash! In fact, when you finally put an end to the incessant shrieking and honking and beep beep beeping, and we hear you peel out of our otherwise-quiet neighborhood, I’ll bet most of us will even say a little prayer that you make it safely to your destination without any interference from the fuzz.

So do us all a favor and steal this car. This is a fine-looking machine in a miserable neighborhood, and that’s one offer that’s not gonna last.

Sincerely,
A Helpful Neighbor