Scientology is AMAZING!

Scientology is a fantastic philosophical system developed by science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard. Funded by some of the world's most celebrated celebrities, it cures postpartum depression, post-traumatic stress, and homosexuality, and does away with the need for psychiatry. Using simple machines like the E-meter, they solve complex problems like crime, illness, and war.

In fact, they can cure just about anything, provided you don't need tangible proof. Because for something like losing weight, Scientologists turn to Jenny Craig. That's how Kirstie Alley, one famous Scientologist, lost 75 pounds. So while Scientology could easily cure all the ills of the world if we'd just let them, apparently it's no match for twenty-minute consultations with women who attended a training course to sell you frozen food.