Kate Plus Two But They're Armed

Two of Kate Gosselin's eight children were expelled from school this week for bad behavior. Collin and Alexis, both 6, are seeing a private tutor until they are ready to return to their private school in Pennsylvania.

It was quite sad: evidently there was a horrible misunderstanding when a teacher told the kids to draw.

Yesterday morning Nate Berkus was a guest on NBC's Today show, though he wasn't feeling well. He finished his segment about decorating for the holidays -- creating centerpieces, draping pine garlands, and putting stockings on the backs of chairs to make seating more festive -- then immediately rushed to a hospital, where he was told his appendix was about to burst and he might die.

"Suck it up, wussy!" Martha Stewart said.

Mattel Outraged Over Lesbian Barbie Calendar

A couple of Brazilian artists put together a perfectly tasteful Lesbian Barbie calendar, and Mattel completely freaks out.


It's an outrage! It's unbelievable!


Dr. Stephanie Wegener, Mattel's European spokeswoman, said, "We don't want Barbie portrayed in this way."


"We will be taking legal action against the creators," she declared.


I say go screw yourselves, Mattel!  Instead of suing, you should be celebrating the love between these two Sapphic sisters, because life is short and love is fleeting, and just judging from the chicks I know, January 2012 is going to look something like this.

Construction worker Joe Cooper was left in agony after a bikini waxing by mates in a pub went wrong.

Joe, 24, agreed to the stunt to raise cash for a local hospital. Onlookers placed bids to pull the strips off but one of the strips stuck and an over-energetic tug ripped off most of Joe's skin.

"I lay down and closed my eyes," the hapless man said, "and the next thing I know I'm in horrendous pain and bleeding."

Doctors repaired the damage, but told Joe he had come within half an inch of losing a testicle.

Half an inch? Well, I don't mean to brag, but I would have lost the testicle.

In one of the strangest World AIDS Day campaigns ever seen, Kim Kardashian, Lady Gaga and Ryan Seacrest are declaring their "digital deaths" and refusing to use Twitter or Facebook until they've raised a million dollars.

So let me join the voices of millions of Americans in saying, DON'T GIVE MONEY TO FIGHT AIDS.

Pick Your Own Ending News

28-year-old prostitute and aspiring "television showgirl" was driving in Milan one night when she stopped for a red light. A good-looking man pulled up alongside, and they started talking. "He said I could earn €5,000 ($6,600) by meeting important people," she told journalists.

She gave the man her phone number, and he promised to pass it along. Then one night someone called.

"He said, 'I am the dream of Italians.' I said, 'Who is this?'"

Now you get to pick the ending!

a. "I am Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi," he said.
b. "Just some guy with too much hair gel and a cannoli," he said.

If you're planning to see the New York City Ballet's performance of The Nutcracker, be warned: According to the New York Times review, one character wasn't completely believable.

Though Alastair Macaulay enjoyed the performance in general, he laments that he was forced to look at a less-than-svelte dancers, writing "This didn't feel, however, like an opening night. Jenifer Ringer, as the Sugar Plum Fairy, looked as if she'd eaten one sugar plum too many. . . .

In this instance, at least, the word "Nutcracker" was less a role than a premonition.

In response, the head of the postal workers union announced a work slowdown, and made it retroactive to 1924.

A controversial roadkill calendar featuring flattened squirrels and dead badgers has become a surprise bestseller.

Creator Kevin Beresford, 58, travelled around the country to take his photos of carcasses, some of which are so squashed they cannot be identified.

I'm thinking it's the perfect gift. There's plenty of bush and beaver and it's still suitable for work.

According to diplomatic documents leaked on Friday, the Moscow Embassy described Russian President Dmitry Medvedev and Prime Minister Vladimir Putin's relationship in cartoon terms. Medvedev "plays Robin to Putin's Batman," they said.

George W. Bush? Rachel Dawes.

Well, thank God. Because speaking as somebody who's seen more than his share of rodents, I can tell you categorically that it's their wrinkles that totally freak you out.

Honestly, I'd like to congratulate the scientists here, because this is a real load off my mind. I can sleep better knowing that the next time I find a dirty little pest in my apartment, he won't be watching "Matlock." Hooray for progress! When stray disease-carrying creatures wander into my kitchen, they'll just eat my cookies and cakes and won't touch the Cream of Wheat. Oh, bravo. I am absolutely thrilled that the world's smartest people have decided that stopping mice from aging is important, because now when I see a giant raggedy one sprinting at me on the subway platform I'll know it's not going to squeeze my cheek.

Jeremy Piven Buys Green Version of Charlie's Angelmobile

Well, I think it's uncalled for, but plan your holiday accordingly.

Art

It's surprisingly easy.

• Take a photo of your genitals and make a slide of it.
• Buy a battery-operated slide projector.
• Find a church with a copy of Velazquez's "Crucifixion."
• Project your genitals onto Jesus.

Thus turning this:


into this:


I guess there's a point to it. When I looked at the photo, I thought "Whoa! That's one holy sceptre!" which may be the artist's intent. I mean, if Jesus were consistently pictured naked, we probably wouldn't notice it. I've seen Michelangelo's David so many times I can hardly remember which ball is droopier.

Maybe the artist wants to portray the scene with more historical accuracy, because the whole towel thing is kind of odd. Think about what kind of day Jesus had, carrying the cross up the hill, getting whipped and all that. And the towel never fell off? I could wrap myself eight layers deep and the second I answer the door mine goes floorward, which is probably why nobody's tried to sell me cookies in twenty years.

"Practicing" homosexuals? It's a penis, not a clarinet. Really, there's not that much to learn. Though I might have put a bit more work into it if I'd known there was a recital coming up.

I think a better adjective would be "observant." That's the word that divides people who say they're a certain religion from the ones who actually follow through. Lots of folks say they're Catholic, for instance, but only the observant ones actually get down on their knees.

You see the Home Shopping Network, I see bored women spending their husbands' paychecks. You see Bristol Palin dancing, I see my dentist doing an impression of Stevie Nicks.

You see Shep Smith, TV anchor at the right-wing, homophobic Fox News, and I see a guy trying to decide between the mauve and the tangerine shorty kaftans at International Male.

Well, it's better than their last tagline: "Just try keeping their paws off your basket."

Mayor Bloomberg is always asking the questions nobody else would ask. I mean, we've had some great mayors in the past, but none ever posed the question, "How about if we turn all the major streets into pedestrian plazas so New Yorkers will never be more than three feet from a panini?"

Still, recently he surpassed himself, wondering "Are all unemployed New Yorkers just brain-damaged, comic-book-reading layabouts?" Evidently the answer is yes, because this year the billionaire financier's primary attempt to lower the unemployment rate is a five-page lecture in a Spiderman comic book.

On the first page, Peter Parker talks to his aunt about being flat broke and unemployed. She tries to cheer him up. He's a photojournalist, right? This is a fine opportunity for him to either branch solely into journalism or morph into a photograph. Peter offers a pregnant woman his seat, but before she takes it she notices it's covered with ink. Because Peter's favorite pen has leaked! Then he literally runs into Mayor Bloomberg, who apparently travels with the only 5'6" bodyguards in town.




Turns out cash is falling from the sky because some evildoer robbed a bank. Peter fights him and wins, then he flies back to Mayor Bloomberg.


Thanks to the mayor's advice, now Peter knows he can find work, even though nobody's hiring. He offers Bloomberg his thanks and a tie to replace the one he ruined. And we close with happy feelings all around, though maybe it just seems that way because the mayor's gone.

So, did you get the lesson, New Yorkers? Yes, you should stay positive when you're looking for work, even though "no available jobs" kind of means this is pointless, and you'll be like the loser at Musical Chairs circling the room in search of an overlooked settee. But definitely wander the streets, because eventually you'll stumble on a bank robbery, and as the old superhero adage goes, "If it's dropped by a crook, consider it took."

Chapter One: Chocolate chip.

Chapter Two: Dino's Clown Room.

I totally agree. If somebody doesn't touch my penis before I get on a plane, I say the terrorists have won.