Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Yo folks! Sorry I've missed a few days. I have a book coming out, and people who actually support themselves in publishing are nagging at me to finish it. Giving me the biggest headache? The acknowledgements.

See, I'm not sure where to draw the line. Naturally I'm thanking the people I love, and people who are important to me. Now what do I write on the remaining 27 lines? Should I name-drop cool people I've only met once or twice? Should I thank people I haven't talked to in years just to I can casually mention some prestigious newspapers and magazines where I've been published? Should I thank some acquaintances in hopes I'll get something in return? My friend Balfour has a lot of cash and a lot of weed.

The good news is, my indecision is your opportunity. When I was a kid, I always wanted to be in somebody's acknowledgements. In every book I read, the author thanked like ten or fifteen people, so I figured it'd happen eventually. But the years slowly slid by, and while my friends went on to distinction in the fields of drinking and shopping and collecting DVDs, they didn't make much of a mark in the publishing world. I've done some successful writing but I've never been thanked by a successful writer, weighing me down with a millstone of shame that one of my readers won't have to bear.

I'm proposing a contest that lets one lucky reader write a thank-you line in the acknowledgements of my book. There are literally no rules: the acknowledgement doesn't have to be true, and it can be about a person, place or thing. Make sure there's a motivation behind it: Did you teach me how to mesmerize men using my elbows and a tambourine? Did you tell a flight attendant you stole my lunch so I'd get an extra salami sandwich? Did you spend eight hours in my bathroom reeling me in like a marlin after I accidentally swallowed a spool of dental floss? All it has to be is interesting or entertaining, and you've got a good shot.

Anyway, put your entries into the comments. Deadline is Friday at 5:00 EST (I said my publisher is mad). I reserve the right to completely ignore the winning entry if it could get me sued.


Susan said...

To the common housefly, for showing me that patience and determination grants you access anywhere but also gets you smacked with magazines.

Anonymous said...

My eternal gratitude to Brian F. for showing me what love is. I still have those binoculars.

Xavier R. said...

I'd like to give my heartfelt thanks to Xavier R., who cast me as The Guy in my high school's production of Little Women.

Pete's Ex said...

I'll never forget Pete L., who had that indescribable something. Okay, I'll describe it: it looked like little red bumps.

Briana said...

A tip of the hat to Briana, one of that small subset of New York artists who's actually more talented than she claims.