Tuesday, June 25, 2013

A Short History Of The Gay Mafia In America

1947: The Gay Mafia is officially born, with founding members Noël Coward, George Cukor, Alfred Kinsey, and Thornton Wilder. Rather than the customary "Don," de factor leader Coward is addressed by the honorific "Judy."

1958: Cole "Knuckles" Porter is enlisted as enforcer for the fledgling Gay Mafia. In sharp contrast to his charming public persona, he terrorizes enemies with bone-chilling threats like the following:

       In olden days, a dude would beat you
       and sometimes he might mistreat you
       But heaven knows
       I'm going to cut off your toes.

1968: Garroting a rival wiseguy, Paul "The Enforcer" Lynde famously declares "We have met the enemy and he is cute."

1971: In an incident famously recreated by The Godfather, Calvin Klein's "offer you can't refuse" includes a tangerine polo and some soap-on-a-rope.

1972: Rather than face an extended blood feud that would decimate both of their families, Godfathers Truman Capote and Gore Vidal agree to take their disagreement to TV's Match Game.

1984: The Gay Mafia's consigliere Liberace ("The Iceman") dies. His soldiers open a museum dedicated to his memory in a Las Vegas strip mall, thereby letting his associates pay their respects while also picking up Slim Jims and Red Bull.

1987: After his success with Donnie Brasco, Mario Puzo attempts an exposé of the Gay Mafia but ends up with the first draft of Mamma Mia!

1994: The relationship between Rock Hudson and Jim Nabors inspires the film Pulp Fiction and later Say Yes to the Dress.

2010: A decade-long feud finally explodes after Clive Davis' autobiography is published, and the Gay Mafia goes to the mattresses to dodge mucho snarkiness from Kelly Clarkson.

2012: When she hears that gay capo Marc Jacobs is going to knock off an old bag, Joan Rivers disappears.

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