Monday, June 17, 2013

The word strikes terror in a man's heart: Mafia. "Gay Mafia"? Maybe not quite so much. As you can see from the list below, though, the gay version truly lives up to the bone-chilling name of its hetero counterpart.

STRAIGHT MAFIA: A loose association of criminal groups dating back to nineteenth-century Sicily.

GAY MAFIA: A loose association of gay priests who have sex with each other and don't tell anybody.

STRAIGHT MAFIA: Their interests lean toward bootlegging, racketeering, bribery, drug smuggling, and loan sharking, all backed up by violence and murder. You know, the usual gangster stuff.

GAY MAFIA: They've been known to pay off their sex partners to keep them quiet. You know, the usual priest stuff.

STRAIGHT MAFIA: Initiation rituals include wine, oaths, guns, knives, and blood.

GAY MAFIA: Oddly, the Vatican -- the primary source of Gay Mafia information -- hasn't released any details. I'm guessing at the very least there's amyl and pictures of Hugh Jackman.

STRAIGHT MAFIA: They murder people they don't like, such as Judge Giovanni Falcone, and 63-year-old Giuseppe D'Angelo, who looked like a Mafia boss.

GAY MAFIA: They might say really horrible things about the Pope but they don't want to get in trouble.

STRAIGHT MAFIA: Killed seven men in the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.

GAY MAFIA: Started a secret online dating service so they too can have valentines.

STRAIGHT MAFIA: After killing Tony Bananas, they stuffed money up his rectum to symbolize greed.

GAY MAFIA: Well, I've had sex with a few Catholics, and as far as I know they save it for the collection plate.

STRAIGHT MAFIA: Inspired movies like Little Caesar, The Godfather, Public Enemy, The Untouchables, Donnie Brasco, and Scarface.

GAY MAFIA: I'm pretty sure they were the basis for Stanford in "Sex and the City."

STRAIGHT MAFIA: Lucky Luciano, Al Capone, and John Gotti were all alleged mafiosos who were sentenced to between 11 years and life.

GAY MAFIA: Because of some alleged involvement with a gay prostitution ring, a Vatican chorister and an elite papal usher were fired by the Vatican. I'm thinking the "elite papal usher" must have been particularly high up in the organization, maybe just leading people to the really good seats at mass.

STRAIGHT MAFIA: Possibly involved in the death of Marilyn Monroe.


STRAIGHT MAFIA: Have nicknames like "The Snake," "No Nose," and "Mad Dog."

GAY MAFIA: Again, the Vatican hasn't released any details. Maybe it'll come after, say, one of them has actually been convicted of a crime. Until then, I'll guess "Robey," "The Confessioner," and "Mr. Incense."

STRAIGHT MAFIA: Has perpetuated stereotype of Italian-Americans as sociopathic criminals.

GAY MAFIA: Has perpetuated stereotype of gays as people who have sex and friends.

STRAIGHT MAFIA: Nobody has found even a bone of Jimmy Hoffa.

GAY MAFIA: Never mind.


Yet Another Steve said...

Thank you for clarifying this. If you hadn't already published it you could have submitted it to THE NEW YORKER. Well hell, submit it anyway, they'll want more. I sure do.

RomanHans said...

I'm pretty sure the New Yorker has never published anything with the words "NO HUH-UH" in it, but I sent it off nonetheless. They say we'll hear back within three months.

RomanHans said...

"We’re sorry to say that your piece “Mafia” wasn’t right for us, despite its evident merit. Thank you for allowing us to consider your work."

And THAT little Hello! to frustration and depression is the reason why I don't submit my writing anywhere.