Let's make this perfectly clear: anybody who watches Finding Bigfoot is an idiot.

Similarly UFO Files, UFO Hunters, Ghost Files, Ghost Hunters, and Hunting Ghost Files in UFOs.

See, we earthlings are very curious about undiscovered life forms. When they're found, it makes the news. When a Harvard scientist finds a new phosphorescent lichen in Florida, it's a headline. When a French oceanographer discovers purple plankton, Katie Couric breaks it to the world.

So whaddaya think is gonna happen when somebody finally films visible proof of spectral life after death? You'll accidentally hear about it when you're too lazy to change the channel after Hillbilly Handfishing?

Obviously the folks behind these shows have low self-esteem, because their shows are all bait-and-switch. They offer you the hope of discovering something exciting, but they never deliver it. That must be frustrating, and must lead to some humiliating dinnertime chats.

WIFE: "So, honey, find Bigfoot today?"

HUSBAND: "Well, as a matter of fact -- Oh, fuck you."

Needless to say, when these guys finally get indisputable footage of a UFO, they're not going to premiere it on a cable channel watched by fourteen people in their underwear. They're not going to say to themselves, "Gosh, those brain-dead Appalachians are in for a surprise today!" If they stumble upon proof of anything, it's their ticket to the big time! They've got something a real TV show will buy. Roughly eight seconds after proof is caught on film, Oprah's going to hear about it. Similarly every network news program, and every newspaper and tabloid in print.

One day you'll turn on the TV, and the whole world will be abuzz.

They'll dress like Yetis on America's Next Top Model. Tuneless teens will sing alien medleys on American Idol. Every eight seconds Brian Williams will cut into whatever the hell you're watching, saying, "Are we alone? Tune in tonight to find out!"

You'll tune in that night, and you'll see half a second of the footage. You'll see all the folks from the show, who'll be dancing around like Lotto winners and saying, "Hey, wifey, I'm talkin' to Brian fuckin' Williams here!"

Because, you know, if these guys can sell their Bigfoot coverage to People magazine for $250,000, why would they air the entire thing in between $85 commercials for the Slap N' Chop?

No, the facts are clear: you will never tune into Ghost Hunters one day and discover absolute proof of anything. When crap media have anything interesting to say, it filters up. It filters fast.

So what am I really saying? Piece it together, guy.

If you're smart, don't watch this space.