Why New Yorkers Have Sex

Two researchers at the University of Texas recently published a paper announced "Why Humans Have Sex." Cindy Meston and David Buss found over two hundred reasons, and here are their top ten.

Top 10 Reasons Men Have Sex

1. I was attracted to the person

2. It feels good

3. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure

4. It’s fun

5. I wanted to show my affection to the person

6. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release

7. I was "horny"

8. I wanted to express my love for the person

9. I wanted to achieve an orgasm

10. I wanted to please my partner

Top 10 Reasons Women Have Sex

1. I was attracted to the person

2. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure

3. It feels good

4. I wanted to show my affection to the person

5. I wanted to express my love for the person

6. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release

7. I was "horny"

8. It’s fun

9. I realized I was in love

10. I was "in the heat of the moment"

Not to be outdone, Dr. Waylon Dowd, a fellow at Manhattan's prestigious Walthrop Academy, released the results of his research, giving the top ten reasons why New Yorkers have sex.

Top 10 Reasons New York Men Have Sex

1. There was nothing on TV.

2. The movie I wanted to see was sold out.

3. You don't get interns that hot every day.

4. She was tied down anyway, so I thought, what the hell!

5. Because who knew when I'd find another girl who'd fall for that "movie producer" line?

6. My wife was giving birth so I figured I had some free time.

7. He was an angelic little cherub, and I'm always on a high after I finish saying mass.

8. She was asleep and the train was deserted so I figured no harm, no foul.

9. Melania gets bored when Mr. Frederic works on my hair.

10. I can do anything I want because goddammit I'm the MAYOR.

Top 10 Reasons New York Women Have Sex

1. It was our third date and it's kind of like the law.

2. How else was I supposed to get tickets to Arcade Fire?

3. The cop was sort of cute, and my folks would have killed me if I'd gotten another speeding ticket.

4. The kids were asleep, and I've always had a weakness for guys selling stuff door-to-door.

5. The choice was between that and getting fired, and I've got bills you wouldn't believe.

6. I could have been, like, the eighth girl on my block to have Derek Jeter's child.

7. He turned in all his homework on time, and it was sooo sweet the way he always called me "Mrs. Teacher."

8. Honestly, I didn't want to, but when I woke up Clarence Thomas was on top of me.

9. She said there was nothing hotter than make-up sex, and we'd been arguing so much on "The View."

10. How else was I going to get my crack pipe past the guards at Promises?

The Whys of Mating: 237 Reasons and Counting