Enough About You

Anybody who's been to New York recently knows our reputation is suffering. Saddled down by work and play and family and friends, we've been too busy to be rude.

We wander the streets so stressed and overwhelmed that we completely miss opportunities to abuse strangers. A tourist gets in our way, we walk around him. A bum asks us for money, we toss him change instead of lit cigarettes. Somebody wants directions, and we honestly tell them where to go.

I haven't just been sitting idly by, though, while our hard-earned notoriety goes straight to hell. I've been collecting tips to help us all save time. A few seconds here, a few seconds there, and all of a sudden we've got that extra minute to kick a pigeon or two.

Some of the best tips I found were, surprisingly, in "Organic Style" magazine. Rather than commissioning Frank Gehry to design an upscale compost heap or fashioning faux Louis Vuitton totes out of old Folger's cans, they recently turned their attention to relationships in an article called "Friendship on a Tight Schedule." It offered a plethora of ways to stay in contact with friends without acting remotely friendly.

1. Don't tell friends you'll call them back.

Now, this is so easy and so foolproof I'm surprised God didn't include it in the Ten Commandments. When somebody ends a conversation with a remark like, "I guess I'll talk to you later," just sit there quietly. Steadfastly refuse to commit. If they press you on it, say something like, "You think?" or "Really?" or even growl like Lurch. Not having to speak to your friends again adds precious minutes to your day.

2. Whenever somebody asks you a personal question, answer "You don't want to know!"

I've been using this for years, though predominantly with my mom. Sometimes she'll protest and say "Yes, yes, I do!" but I just yell "No, you don't!" and eventually she shuts up. Doctors and policemen, on the other hand, require a bit more persistence.

3. Instead of real email, send friends a funny line or two with "XO" tacked on the bottom.

This is a great tip that I use a lot. Just yesterday I sent the following message to everybody in my address book: "Hi! I'm very inventive in bed. In fact, this morning I made a cotton gin. Catch you on the flip side! MWAH!"

You might want to think of a different message to send to a spouse who's out of town.

4. When someone goes into a long monologue about their troubles, cut them off at the pass. Jump right in with, "How come you look so good when you're mad?"

Now, this tip is my favorite, because of its passive-aggressive edge. "Why, that bastard cut me off!" your friend will fume. "He wants me to shut up so he can talk about himself!"

But then the compliment kicks in and her anger disappears. "You really think I look good?" she'll say, beaming from ear to ear. Mutter "Oh, yes!" and the conversation is all yours.

"Organic Style" misses a couple hot new tricks that all of New York is using. If you want to nip that long-winded monologue in the bud, you've got to lay down the law before a windbag gets a chance to speak. Steer clear of lines like "What's new with you?" that could lead to a ten-minute whine, and feign interest with a question like this:

"So how are you -- okay?"

I'll pause for a second so you can examine the brilliance of this construction.

This is the perfect line for folks who want to appear concerned but aren't. We're not willing to stand blithely by while you spew useless details like "I'm okay," or "I'm so-so," or "Specialists at the Mayo Clinic have decided they need to remove a kidney." We need to strictly limit your answer to either true or false: yes, you're okay, or no, you're not. Choose the former and the topic's covered; choose the latter and, well, we're done there too. "Gosh," you reply. "That's too bad. You look good!"

And I don't see how the modern-day egotist can live without the word "anyway." It's a handy word to segue into another topic, and convenient for when you have absolutely nothing to say and need to pad an annoying silence. Most New Yorkers use it, though, to wrestle a wayward conversation right back to our own personal topic list. It's like saying "Enough about you!" without that egotistical vibe.

"We spent three weeks in Bali," I bragged to an acquaintance I hadn't seen in ages, "where we had the most delicious shrimp I'd ever tasted."

"Really?" she replied. "I loved Bali. We rented a cottage on this great private beach where we sunbathed naked until we were golden brown."

Now, rather than just scream inside your head that your Bali story has been brutally decapitated, use "anyway" like a magic eraser, to wipe away all traces of their diversion. "Anyway, this shrimp was big enough to frighten cats. . . ."

I'm confident that by using these tips we can restore New York to its former glory. Luckily, they seem to be contagious. I've used them for barely a week and already my friends and family have joined in. I've gotten just one email in the past three days: a note from my sister saying that the groundhog is neither ground nor a hog. And I called four people this morning and not one said they'd call me back.