Being freakishly tall.

I’m not six foot six. You may be under that impression if you were one of the twelve million people who asked me today exactly how tall I am, because that's what I told you. But there’s an upper limit that divides "really tall" from "freakishly tall," and call me crazy for occasionally wanting to pretend I’m under it.

Really, I’m six foot eight. If you’ve got a tall brother or a knack at estimating length you might have suspected that. But what are you going to do, call me a liar?

Nobody ever shuts up with just that question. “When did you get so tall?” they ask next. “Are your parents tall?” “Are you the tallest one in your family?” Their need for information confuses me. “Are you conducting a study?” I ask.

My parents always told me I should be proud to be tall. I didn’t believe them for a second, because they also said that one day I’d be happy I saved myself, and that everybody secretly envies guys who play the banjo. I never understood their rationale. Like it’s nice going to the doctor and hearing him wonder if I’ve got the disease that killed Lurch. Like being able to reach the canned okra in stores makes up for the fact that I’ll never have nice clothes, or coordination, or shoulders.

And it’s a little hard to be optimistic when the tallest man on record died at the age of 22. Nobody’d be proud to be Irish if Gaelic spines collapsed when they passed their teens.

Dating is hard for tall guys. People actually ask me if I date guys who are shorter than I am. “I’d better,” I tell them. “Because Wilt Chamberlain’s the only guy who’s taller, and he doesn’t want to go out.”

Men assume that because I’m tall I’m big and butch and dangerous. This causes a lot of disappointment among my dates. Like they'd bought a dalmatian, then discovered it got sick whenever it rode in the car.

But the good news is, times are changing. The stereotypes are loosening. It used to be, everybody automatically assumed I played basketball. Now it’s different.

Now a lot of people think I’m a drag queen.

Yeah, you better work.