The Amorous Adventures of Roman Hans

There's one thing I always wanted as a kid, and that was a personalized book. You know, where you fill out a list of information about yourself and somebody merges it into a story. You tell'em, like, your name is ROMAN HANS and your dog's name is Woofy, and you get back a book called, like, ROMAN HANS' ADVENTURES WITH HIS DOG WOOFY. Well, I never got one back then, but strangely enough I saw an ad for one the other day in a gay porn magazine. It sounded interesting, and for twenty bucks I figured what have I got to lose? Here’s how I filled in the form:

First they wanted my name, so I put down ROMAN HANS. Where do I live? No way around it: I’m trying to find a new place, but until then I’m stuck in THIS HELLHOLE. Last place I lived? Sheesh, that apartment was ONE STINKING TOILET. What I’d like to be called. Well, if I can pick anything -- MASTER OF THE DAMN UNIVERSE. Favorite fantasy? PLAY PRO FOOTBALL. Favorite drink? You know, I've been partying way too much recently, so I started drinking WATER just to flush out my system.

Here's one that confused me: favorite man's name. Do they want my favorite name for a man, or the name of my favorite man? Well, the finest man ever was GANDHI. Favorite man's profession? HINDU ASCETIC. Second favorite man’s name? ALEC BALDWIN. Something men want? Beats me. But I watched “Meet the Press” a couple weeks ago and every guy there kept whining about PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

What do I wear at home? To be honest, RATTY OLD UNDERWEAR. Something more men should wear? Hey, I live in New York. A STRAITJACKET. Four traits that describe my dream man: TALL, MATURE, GOAL-ORIENTED, A REALLY NIFTY DANCER. Something long? That’s easy. An ex made me sit through GONE WITH THE WIND like eight times and I swear it got longer with each viewing. Something that sucks -- don’t even need to think about it: THE NEW YORK KNICKS. Favorite partner? Nobody measures up to TYNE DALY as half of “Cagney and Lacey.”

Something that pounds: A BAD HEADACHE. What makes a man good in bed? I don’t care if he eats crackers or reads or snores, as long as he DOESN’T TRY TO GRAB THE REMOTE. Name something comfortable to lie on: BRAD PITT. How long do I wait before having sex again? I can be ready pretty quick, but my partners always say they’ll do it again WHEN JESUS COMES BACK AND GIVES US ALL NINTENDOS.

Anyway, I mailed in the form, and last week I got the book. Here’s how it goes.


THE AMOROUS ADVENTURES OF ROMAN HANS

It was a warm spring afternoon, the perfect day for moving. In fact, a handsome 20-year-old named GANDHI and his perky young friend ALEC BALDWIN were doing just that. Exhausted and sweaty they decided to sunbathe on the balcony of their new apartment. The two men put on their tiniest spandex Speedos and spread out on lounge chairs.

Just then their new neighbor ROMAN HANS came out onto his balcony to water his plants. When he saw the two athletic men his eyes just about popped out of his head. “Well, howdy there!” he called excitedly.

"Hi, new neighbor!" the lithe young blonde replied. "My name’s GANDHI and this is my friend ALEC BALDWIN! We're new to THIS HELLHOLE!"

"Yes!" ALEC BALDWIN piped in. "We just moved here from ONE STINKING TOILET!"

ROMAN HANS’s eyes lingered over the attractive pair. "My name's ROMAN HANS but you can call me MASTER OF THE DAMN UNIVERSE. I sure hope you like it here."

"I'm sure we will," GANDHI said. "Say, why don't you come over so we can chat?”

"I'll be right there!" ROMAN HANS said.

Minutes later ALEC BALDWIN answered the door wearing nothing but a smile and a towel. ROMAN HANS was standing there with a tray of drinks. “You two looked thirsty so I mixed us up a big, frosty pitcher of WATER,” he said.

GANDHI entered, and he too was just wearing a towel. He helped himself to a drink and quickly downed it. "Whew!" he exclaimed. "With all the exercise we've been getting that WATER is really going to my head. Do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable, MASTER OF THE DAMN UNIVERSE?"

"That's OK by me," ROMAN HANS said.

"I think I will too," ALEC BALDWIN said.

The two hunks dropped their towels and each slipped on a snug-fitting STRAITJACKET. ROMAN HANS felt himself getting aroused by the pair: one TALL and MATURE, the other GOAL-ORIENTED and A REALLY NIFTY DANCER.

"That STRAITJACKET really brings out the color of your eyes," ROMAN HANS said.

"Thanks," ALEC BALDWIN said. "My father wore it at his wedding."

"You must be warm too," GANDHI said, “in your RATTY OLD UNDERWEAR. Can I hang that up for you?"

"Thanks," ROMAN HANS said. He slipped out of it and felt the eyes of the other men examining every inch of his body. Soon his arousal was obvious to all.

"Oh, MASTER OF THE DAMN UNIVERSE!" GANDHI said, "You've got such a hot body! I want you more than PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST." He started to lick ROMAN HANS all over. "I've been trying to restrain myself, but we HINDU ASCETICs aren’t known for our self-control."

ALEC BALDWIN grabbed ROMAN HANS’s masculinity and moaned. "Your massive tool is driving me wild with desire!" he said. "Let's go into the bedroom and PLAY PRO FOOTBALL!"

The three went into the bedroom, where the two handsome men surrounded ROMAN HANS like a sandwich. ALEC BALDWIN dropped to his knees.

"Oh, ALEC BALDWIN!" ROMAN HANS cried. "You suck like THE NEW YORK KNICKS!" His head swam with passion as he realized he hadn't experienced sex this intense since that time with TYNE DALY.

Just then GANDHI jumped on the bed and laid out flat, his impressive member standing at attention. "Oh, MASTER OF THE DAMN UNIVERSE,” he moaned. “Do me like A BAD HEADACHE!"

Soon shrieks of desire filled the air. Just as ROMAN HANS thought he couldn’t stand another moment of passion the three simultaneously exploded in a flood of ecstasy. Afterwards they collapsed in a heap atop BRAD PITT.

"Whew!" GANDHI gasped. "You sure know how to satisfy a guy!"

"Why, thank you," ROMAN HANS replied.

"Oh, it's our pleasure," ALEC BALDWIN said. "I swear, your manliness is longer than GONE WITH THE WIND!"

“It’s not just the size that counts,” ROMAN advised. “It’s how it DOESN’T TRY TO GRAB THE REMOTE.”

"Please," GANDHI begged, "let’s do it one more time."

"I'd love to," ROMAN HANS said, as the three exchanged glances of delight. "WHEN JESUS RETURNS AND GIVES US ALL NINTENDOS.”

THE END