Unruly Crowd at Hanson Concert Gets MMMBopped by Cops

"Take the picture, TAKE THE PICTURE!" screamed Charlie Crist. "Goddammit, I can't stand like this forever!"

This is disgusting. This is absolutely sick. A plastic doll named Lady GagGag that gives blow jobs? If God had intended man to indulge in that kind of depravity, He wouldn't have already given us Christina AguiLayYa.

A St. Louis waste removal worker found a surprise in some dog poop recently. Steve Wilson, an employee of DoodyCalls Pet Waste Removal, noticed some bills sticking out of doggie doo, and when he pulled them out he discovered they totalled $58.

"I know it don't pay no interest," said the dog's owner, "but up to now it's been safe."

My idol, the extremist leatherman Joe.My.God, posted a clip showing the devastation in the Gulf of Mexico, accompanied by the cast of Glee singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." I'm sorry, I just can't watch it. Even the thought of it makes me feel ill. Hell, I've been feeling dizzy ever since one of them sang Barbra at the Tonys.

Today in the New York Times

To make the next-generation [body groomer], Remington conducted studies of men as they wielded various products to trim body hair. "You haven't lived until you've been in a bathroom with a man watching him shave all his body parts," said Carl Kammer, director of new product development at Remington.

I totally agree. Add it to the bucket list somewhere around "Visiting France."

Today in the New York Times

A snoball is to a snow cone as Warren Beatty is to Shirley MacLaine: closely related, but prettier, smoother and infinitely cooler.

God, I hate metaphors. Have I got this right? The snow cone is the one who believes in reincarnation, and the snoball tapped every hot vagina in Hollywood?

The father of Abby Sunderland, the California teen who tried to break the record of being the youngest person to sail around the world alone, is denying reports that the whole stunt was staged for a reality TV program.

Laurence Sunderland says that although he signed a contract with Magnetic Entertainment, he would never let his daughter risk her life strictly for financial gain.

The show will reportedly team up Abby with Balloon Boy, and is tentatively titled Sinkers And Floaters.

Renowned painter Thomas Kinkade was arrested Friday on suspicion of drunken driving. Kinkade, 52, the self-styled "Painter of Light," was arrested and booked but released Saturday after posting bail.

Police pulled him over after he crashed his 2010 Mercedes into the Dancing Leprechaun Gazebo at Cobblestone Corners Cove.

Longtime war analysts note that this announcement means the mid-East conflict has undergone a strategic shift, progressing from the "Who do we need to kill?" phase to "Hey, is there anything cool we can take?"

The World's Saddest "Do You Know Who I Am?"

[Officer Sean O'Donohue] lit up recounting his last big celebrity sighting: a guy in dark glasses came up and told a corny joke and Officer O’Donohue laughed. The guy lifted the glasses and said, “Do you know who I am?” and the officer did not hesitate: “Larry Storch from ‘F Troop’!”

The 2010 Tony Awards

I am so excited that Memphis won for best musical. It's incredibly inspiring how times have changed. The show is set in the South in the 50s, and it's about a white man bringing black music to white people. And now we've got white men bringing a show about a white man bringing black music to white people to white people. I don't think anybody would ever have guessed we'd come so far so fast.

In fact, if it weren't for whites, I don't know where minorities would be today. They sure wouldn't be seeing their story being played out on Broadway for just $125 a seat.

Another favorite of mine is Million Dollar Quartet, which answers the question, "Well, what if Johnny Cash and Elvis did sing backup on 'Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On'?" I haven't seen it, but I still get chills when I picture scenes in my head:

ELVIS: Well, Johnny, here we are: two of the most popular performers in history.

JOHNNY CASH: Yup, we're on top of the world. Hey, why don't we go act like Pips for that dude who married his cousin?

My feelings about Fela! are almost beyond words. As somebody said last night, "his life inspired a nation." I'm actually thinking about buying a ticket to Africa, just to see if they all followed his lead and got twelve wives. You gotta give the dude his props, though, for singing about corrupt leadership and "the day of change is now." You can almost picture him turning to his women and going, "Hey, chicks, I ain't talkin' about you!"

Really, when you think about what a downer his women were, your admiration for him increases exponentially. From Wikipedia: "On his release he divorced his 12 remaining wives, saying that 'marriage brings jealousy and selfishness.'" Man, I totally get it. There's something about women that makes them permanently miserable, even when you're giving them 1/12th of your heart.

I was so inspired by Viola Davis' speech when she won best actress in a musical. "I absolutely believe in the presence of God in my life," she said. I've always thought pretty much the same thing, though I say, "Looks like God loves me more than he loves you!" If you're not as successful as us, well, you can't blame the Dude for not wanting to hang around losers.

On the whole, though, the Tonys saluted traditional values. Men played artists and rebels and inventors, and women played secretaries, smokin' nieces and vibrator aficionados. Men were Elvis, Fela and Rothko, some lady was Whatsername. Still, American Idiot looked terrific. I wish I knew rebellious, anarchic punks who bounced around on bungee chords and knew the Twyla Tharp repertoire.

In the end, I was left asking the hard questions, which is what good theater is supposed to do. Next year, will a white man bring the story of a white man bringing the story of a white man bringing black music to white people to white people to white people? What would happen if Barbra Streisand, Lady Gaga and Marie Osmond were locked in a recording studio? Would Fela be alive today if the white man had brought vibrators to Africa? It's questions like these that assure me Broadway is still shaking with vitality today.

My Latest Pick-Up Line

Hi.

My name's RomanHans.

I'm gonna suck your face so hard it'll pull out a goatee.

Did Rudy Giuliani Get a Face Lift?

Florida's newly independent Senate candidate, Gov. Charlie Crist, feels so liberated from Republicanism nowadays! Today he vetoed a bill requiring "women seeking an abortion to get an ultrasound, and to listen to a doctor give a description of the fetus."

Would that really be so horrible? Knowing my doctor he'd saying something like, "Oh God, it looks like an ungrateful little money pit."

Find the Republican Congressperson

Wrong. Wrong. Right!

Last night I had, as another blogger said, a motha F N blast. Absolut vodka introduced their new limited edition Absolut Brooklyn at the Powerhouse Arena in Dumbo. The place was designed like an oversized front porch, complete with giant front door and steps, and stoops lined both sides so we could just hang out and chill. Well, and eat hors d'oeuvres like prosciutto-wrapped watermelon, and guzzle vodka. Absolut Brooklyn is flavored with apple (big apple reference, I think?), ginger (no clue), and cinnamon, which supposedly makes the vodka hit your system faster than if you'd shot up. Now that's the borough I know.

DJ Spinna played retro classics like Grace Jones, Slick Rick, and Public Enemy, and even Spike Lee turned up, nicely posing for photos with half the crowd. Also there: Star Jones, Selita Eubanks, some extra-tall sports dudes. So, if you're looking for half of Brooklyn today, we're laying on the couch with cold compresses on our heads trying to get the neighbors to turn down their stereos.

Lots of pictures here. Now back to the couch.

Archaeologists have discovered what they say is the world’s oldest known leather shoe.

The shoe, made of cowhide and tanned with oil, is about 5,500 years old, older than Stonehenge and the pyramids.
Most likely it was worn by a woman with size 7 feet.

The shoe was discovered by scientists excavating in a huge cave in Armenia. A doctoral student, Diana Zardaryan, noticed a small pit of weeds. Reaching down, she touched two sheep horns, then an upside-down broken bowl. Under that was what felt like “an ear of a cow,” she said. “But when I took it out, I thought, ‘Oh my God, it’s a shoe.’ To find a shoe has always been my dream.”

Still puzzling her, however, is a box found nearby marked "Mr. Grog of Beverly Hills."

When I was a kid, I was baffled by Scientific American magazine. It was so cold, so dry, so deep. I couldn't get more than three words into any article without getting hopelessly lost. I'd be tempted by the titles, then sorely let down, realizing I'd never learn about Creating False Memories in Food-Hoarding Birds or Tectonic Shifts in Cricket Exoskeletons.

So, when a friend sent me a link to a new Scientific American article, I flinched. That childhood insecurity came flooding back. I wanted to ignore it, but I knew my friend would quiz me later. I gingerly clicked on the link and within seconds all my worries were gone. I read the entire article, start to finish, and can honestly say I understood every word. Sure, maybe Scientific American has slid slightly downscale to suit the unwashed masses, but still my chest swole with pride.

If you want to read the article, it's called "Hey, What Up Wit' Da Fag Hags?" and it basically blows up that theory that straight women who can't find boyfriends turn to gay dudes for companionship.

Anyway, now my childhood trauma is gone, and I'm ready to take on all comers. I'm picking up a copy of The Economist today, though fingers crossed it's got something about whores.