I've never understood recipes that use pre-made sweets. I mean, do American parents have trouble getting their kids to eat enough pudding? Is it a torturous trial getting your tween to eat over a thousand M&Ms a day? Is your toddler just skin and bones because he consistently balks at Three Musketeers bars?

"Make the most of your leftover Halloween goodies with these candy dessert recipes," one helpful website says before offering tips on how to turn those discarded peanut butter cups into a pie. Yeah, because we've all seen peanut butter cups and thought, "What the fuck am I going to do with these?"

Even Better Homes & Gardens -- what is with that name? Did you ever go to somebody's garden and think, "Wow, this is definitely better."? -- gets into the "leftover Halloween candy" act. Am I totally out of it here? I trick-or-treated for probably twelve years, most of those in my thirties, and I never had "leftover" candy. It's not like a Heath bar will go bad by Friday. If mold could grow on a Hershey bar they couldn't spend six generations in the candy machine of your local hardware store.

If you've got twelve M&Ms you need to get rid of, though, BH&G's Spiced Mice recipe is perfect for you. It also requires chow mein noodles, which makes me grateful that my folks never took me trick-or-treating in Beijing.

This Witch's Hat uses all your leftover popcorn. My second husband worked at a movie theater and we never had leftover popcorn. It has sweet and salty flavors, though, which will totally win your kids over if they're having their periods.

Still, there's an exception to every rule. The small effeminate part of me that loves Easy Bake Ovens and Hello Kitty totally crapped his pants when he saw this.

Looks adorable, but c'mon: chocolate bars, M&Ms, and cookies? Really? It doesn't take a genius to come up with the treat I'm giving away on Halloween:

Is it as cute? Not quite. But is it nutritious? Does a bear shit in the woods?

Swiss Reported To Have Solved Racism Problem

"Every time I hear the name 'Whitey Bulger' in the news I don't think of a gangster: I think he's an underwear model." -- Yet Another Steve

Yes, it's a picture of steak.

Yesterday North Carolina Gov. Pat McCrory signed a law that requires voter to have photo ID. When asked why he backed this legislation despite the fact that voter fraud seems to be quite rare, he replied, "Just because you haven’t been robbed doesn’t mean you shouldn’t lock your doors at night."

I don't mind the allegory -- voter fraud equals burglary -- but guv must know there's only been one suspected fraud case in North Carolina in the last twelve years. Clearly it's more truthful to say, "Just because only one dude has been robbed in North Carolina in the last twelve years doesn't mean you shouldn't lock your doors at night." Because, you know, it kind of does.

Thanks for the suggestion, Spotify! I must have missed the part where a dark-skinned, androgynous Tormé modeled in Paris for Yves St. Laurent, played a bikini-clad warrior in Conan the Destroyer, dated bodybuilders, and sang about pulling up to the bumper and needing a man.

Wow! Spokeo aims to be a one-stop shop for online information, and with this kind of insider detail about my long-lost friend Joanne I just do not see how they can fail.

Gregor Mendel was a German scientist who, using ordinary pea plants, proved the remarkable power of DNA. Charles Darwin was an English naturalist who proposed that genetic variations and natural selection were the very foundations of evolution.

Imagine what would have happened if these two men had met! Let's let our imaginations run wild as we picture the pair sharing frothy cappuccinos at a Parisian cafe on a sunny afternoon in 1872.

MENDEL: Well, Charles, it has happened. We have stolen the very lightning from the Gods! I discovered how dominant traits are passed down from one generation to the next, and you showed how that gene transmission can change the whole face of a species. Together, who knows where these monumental discoveries will lead us!

DARWIN: Gregor, you are right. The secrets of the universe have been revealed and now mankind's dominion over creation approaches the infinite. While remaining wary of the consequences should mankind try to supplant nature, what triumph do you most yearn for most?

MENDEL: Ah, I don't want to sound like a dreamer, but I do have one fond wish. If we truly have mastered the minutiae of existence and can pull the tangled strings of life like some sidewalk puppeteer, I believe our path is clear.

DARWIN: (LAUGHS) Yes, my esteemed colleague, I feel similarly. Tell me what you propose.

MENDEL: I would like a fluffy little dog I can fit in my handbag.

DARWIN: (NODS) Yes, that would be a milestone that would cement the reputation of even the greenest geneticist. But do you believe a trophy of this magnitude is even imaginable?

MENDEL: Perhaps not. But we are on the right path! I shouldn't say this, because my research is not yet complete, but six weeks ago I crossed a healthy poodle with an allergic poodle in the hopes of creating -- no, I dare not tempt the fates!

DARWIN: But I have guessed: will your new creation be called a PooPooPaChoo?

MENDEL: If it's fluffy and it sneezes, I will totally shit my pants.

DARWIN: Well, dear friend, that would truly be an accomplishment.

The bill comes, and DARWIN pulls out his wallet. As he opens it, something very fluffy and small leaps out. MENDEL can't believe his eyes as he enumerates four tiny legs, a head and a tail. Can this snow-white scrap of nothing actually be related to the lumbering beasts that live to kill rabbits and other vermin? The bit of fluff with teddy bear ears and big blue eyes scurries across the table. It nibbles at a croissant crumb and then, sated, curls up on a Splenda packet like it's an oversized pillow.

MENDEL: OHMIGOD! OHMIGOD, Charles, you have done it! It's breathtaking! It's spectacular! I would cut my heart out of my chest with an oyster fork to see it in tiny shoes. Why ever didn't you tell me?

DARWIN: (HEAVING A BORED SIGH) What? Oh, you mean little Chutney? Why, I've had her since she was small.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

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Droopy Sweater is a bold new innovation in fashion. After they're knitted from the finest Argentinian yarn, Droopy Sweaters are hung on wire coat hangers and left in a barn in Lancaster, PA. There we let gravity take its course. Two years later, when the yarn has loosened and the two front flaps are dangling like dead leaves in a Tuscan vineyard, they're shipped to fine retailers near you.

Crystal Young was 45 years old and had never contemplated buying new sweaters. But one day at the gym the pretty receptionist looked at her Donna Karan separates and thought, "Those are just too young and perky. It's like I'm ashamed of my droopy things."

"I'm 45," says Ileana Rodriguez, a Southern California housewife with four children. "I used to wear mini-skirts, and now I wear pants. I used to wear stilettos, and now I wear Easy Spirits. My body is changing, and it's time my sweaters changed too."

We know you'll love Droopy Sweater so much we're offering a 100% money-back guarantee. You'll smile as the loose-hanging flaps dangle between your legs. You'll chuckle when your pendulous protruberances gaily swing as you walk. You'll laugh out loud when the wind picks up and those wacky wings flutter and flash like windchimes.

You wouldn't wear a sweater that was made for men. So why wear one that was made for a girl? "I just love Droopy Sweater," says Rebecca Arlington, a 47-year-old ad executive. "People see my peach Droopy flapping out of the corner of their eyes and everybody turns to look. I smile, bold as brass. 'Yeah,' I say, 'It's Droopy. And I love it!"

I have absolutely fallen head-over-heels for a new TV series somebody's trying to crowd-fund called Jesus 2015. The plot is simple but wildly creative. A man is arrested for burglary. The police run a routine DNA check and discover that there is a "specific and positive match 99999.9" to the DNA on the shroud of Turin.

Now, I don't know about you, but I'm already hooked. There's no doubt this is Jesus: in fact, the lab has even increased the top limit on percentages because they're so positive. There's none of the wishy-washy 99.99% shit you see in paternity tests on Maury -- no, there ain't even a shadow of a doubt!

Plus, I'm entranced by the idea that the police have DNA from the shroud of Turin in their database. All too often I think they're incompetent, but it was definitely a good move to throw in Jesus. Some smart sergeant must have said, "Hey, nobody gets a free pass! Just because he's the Lamb of God doesn't mean he's never going to boost a car stereo in Santa Monica."

I bet they've even got dinosaur DNA in this database. Maybe in one episode we'll find out that Pontius Pilate has a 41937.71 chance of being a triceratops.

Maybe you noticed the odd religious figures/euphemisms in the police database. I got no explanation for that. Did they catch the Lamb of God smoking weed on Abbot Kinney Boulevard? Did the Bread of Life shoplift some earbuds from the Main Street Radio Shack?

But let's back up a little bit and merge the details offered in the trailer with this auteur's IndieGoGo beg:

A White Male Age 33 was arrested for 415, 459 (Burglary in Progress) and taken into custody by L.A.P.D on May, 13th 2013 in Venice California. The young man does not reveal his identity and is booked under the alias "Christian."

God, that's so L. A. I'll bet the dude who was arrested before him was given the alias "Flavio."

Chris Doe was booked and processed at The Pacific Station in Los Angeles, routine prints, DNA samples were collected from said individual.

I have to admit I'm a bit confused here. Forget the fact this isn't close to a sentence. Why is the phrase "from said individual" there? Because it's been fourteen words since the antecedent noun and dimmer readers might think we're talking about Kermit the Frog by this point? Did anybody suspect that sentence could end with "from Zsa Zsa Gabor!!!"?

A report from Aundergene Forensic DNA laboratories dated June,4 2013. The D.N.A. submitted from the arrest of Chris Doe Male Age 33 May 13th 2013 has specific and positive match 99999.9 to D.N.A. reserved in bank collected samples originating from The Shroud of Turin.

There's really no other explanation for this paragraph other than some police reports are automatically generated by the game of Boggle. In related news, Mike Smith Male Age 27 October 12th 2013 arrested also bank robbery hello 867-5309 fingerprints Robyn.

Now, here's where the plot runs into a fork in the road. The trailer says Chris was released from prison due to overcrowding, but the IndieGoGo summary is markedly more dramatic:

He is held at the West Pacific police station awaiting transport to the downtown courthouse. While being detained he is incarcerated with a Mexican gang known as the Disciples.

The cops always let Mexican gangs share a single cell because ay dios mio, they get lonely otherwise.

As the prisoners are being transported via the 405 freeway in Los Angeles, an accident with a tractor trailer occurs, killing several of the prisoners on the bus.

I pictured SNL's "The Californians" while reading this. They were being transported on the 405? That's important to know, because that kind of thing would never happen on the 101.

I think it's smart the writer decided Jesus wasn't released due to prison overcrowding. Because then all the religious conservatives would be saying, "Damn these lily-livered liberals, letting our Lord and Saviour out of the hoosegow!"

The surviving 13, including Christian, are able to escape in the chaos and confusion. Local and State Authorities as well as Leaders of Religious and the scientific communities despite massive efforts have been unable to locate Chris Doe for questioning.

Really? Leaders of the scientific community couldn't find him? Well, then, they might as well give up. If dudes who stare into test tubes and light bunsen burners can't find a dude, he just will not be found.

Anyway, by now I'm sure you're as hooked as I am. I can't wait for this to be made into a TV series, which is why I nearly donated a dollar to the IndieGoGo beg. I don't need any gifts in return: I just want somebody who understands punctuation to be hired in my name.

So please, be generous. I'm already on the edge of my seat. Will Our Lord ever be found? At least he'll be easy to spot.

All Units be on the Lookout for a White Male Age 33 Surfer Distance From Top of Hair to Bottom of Nose Three and One Half Feet adios Charo 3.1416.

(Via the divine Joe.My.God)

I had no idea I was going to be tall until high school. It seemed like one day I was staring at everybody's stomach and the next I was slamming my forehead into doorways. Mystified, I ran to my mother for advice.

"Mummy," I said, since in my mind I always pictured myself as a British lad, "what's happening to me?"

"Roman," she replied after taking a dainty sip of Earl Grey, "you're going through that stage in life when a child turns into an adult. Hispanic girls turn into spitfires, Italian boys turn into gangsters, and boys with overactive pituitaries turn into gentle giants."

"What do gentle giants do?"

She laughed. "Whatever they want, darling!" She blotted her crimson lips with a lace hankie. "Well, except for one or two things, of course. You can't crush kittens in the palm of your oversized hand. You can't tear the golden arches off a McDonalds if a clerk forgets your fries. You can't sit little girls in your lap and pet their hair while repeating, 'Pretty! Pretty!'"

"That's it?"

She shrugged her narrow shoulders. "Well, if you want to cower in fear every time you see fire, that's not going to hurt."

"But aren't those rules that regular people follow? Why is it different for tall people?"

"Darling, regular-sized people want to hurt everybody. They want to smack their dentist if he farts while he's cleaning their teeth. They want to strangle that girl at the post office who flings their fragile package into a big metal bin. Regular-sized people are all, 'Oooh, if I were one foot taller I'd show that bastard a thing or two!' They think tall people must start the day garroting the man who elbowed them on the subway and end it dismembering their neighbor for playing Iron Butterfly at 2 a.m."

"So people will respect me for not doing something?"

"That's exactly right. If you were tiny, they'd call you a coward. But since you're big, they'll think, 'Wow, it's amazing how he's controlling himself!'"

I wasn't crazy about being stereotyped, but it didn't sound like such an awful fate. "Do you want to beat up everybody?"

Mummy laughed. "Me? Heavens, no!" She took another sip from the porcelain cup as her eyebrows rose. "Well, possibly. You know that checkout girl at the supermarket who's never said so much as 'Hello' to me? If I were six inches taller, I might give her a Chinese mustache."

"What if I don't want to be a gentle giant?"

"Darling, the alternative isn't pretty. Remember Jaws, that misshapen, horrific oaf in the James Bond films? Do you want to be like him? He's not a gentle giant. Do you really want to chew up a motor home with your giant metal dentures?"

I shook my head.

"Do you want to be the box of rocks who doesn't understand he's fighting for the wrong side until James Bond explains it to him?"

I said no.

"Do you want to get shot into space inside a cramped satellite with a tiny, pigtailed girl?"

I flinched. Mummy shrieked. Just the thought of that fate rubbed me the wrong way, and the late Mr. Meowster would have agreed.

How To Market Yourself, As Shown By Two Weeks Of Junk Email

July 16. Try to sound hard to get. Let people know that you're a fresh new face on the market.

July 17. Emphasize your positive attitude. Don't even think about the negatives: if haters want to figure out that all you're giving them is a fuckin' $2.80 an hour, let them. Others will see the chance to get your three shiny quarters and not realize they'd get a better return at McDonalds. Hang onto that optimistic outlook even if you don't offer anything better than folks could find in the cushions of their couch.

July 18. It's official: you're boring. Maybe get some blonde highlights.

July 23. Well, you did your best. Now it's time to hook the procrastinators. Let them know you're not going to be around forever. They gotta act fast because tomorrow they'll be fuckin' out of luck.

July 25. Hey, if you had any shame, you wouldn't have had twelve 30th birthday parties. Slap that "Going Out Of Business!" sign on your forehead and take advantage of clueless newbies for a year or two. Sure, half the neighborhood will be, like, "GO OUT OF GODDAMN BUSINESS ALREADY!" but there are going to be a few saps who don't know what's going on.

July 26. "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: THIRD YEAR." Yeah, you're desperate, but who gives a fuck? Let all the losers talk about pride.

July 26. I SAID I'M NEW HERE! I AIN'T GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT TIRED OLD BITCH WITH THE CHEAP HIGHLIGHTS WHO USED TO HANG AROUND HERE ALL THE TIME.

July 27. The bartender's turned off the music and turned on the lights, but who gives a fuck? Your optimism can stand tall against harsh reality. Maybe all the men with teeth have found other partners, but there are nicer parts on a man than his smile.

Dear Mayor Bloomberg:

You're an idiot! Get your hands off our 16-ounce sodas. We're adults. We don't need to be told what to do. We just need our food put into little tiny bags because otherwise we just can't stop ourselves.

Yours, RomanHans

Anthony Weiner's Health Care Sexts

Really, baby? Your wish is my command. Let's talk health care.

I can see you don't need vision care coverage because, honey, you are a vision.

This specialist is gonna send you completely out of network.

Don't think about what's out of pocket: concentrate on what's out of pants.

My single-payer health care plan covers outpatients too. If I slip out, baby, have some patience.

You prefer an HMO? That's fiiiine, baby. You give me a HM and I'll give you one motherfuckin' O.

Maybe I can't be your PCP, but I can be your PNS.

Nobody's gonna need COBRA with the snake I got right here.

I'll even give you a free periodic health exam.

Yeah, baby -- you're having your period.

I'm not a fan of The Great Gatsby. Not the book -- the title. I mean, a book's title is supposed to capture the reader's imagination while hinting at the vast possibilities of excitement or intrigue. What's F. Scott Fitzgerald given us? The. Adjective. Alliterative Name.

Wow. Brilliance. Great American Novel. I'm just sorry he died before he could write the sequels.

• The Groovy Gottfurcht
• The Winsome Woodcock
• The Territorial Trickle
• The Crackerjack Coutlangus
• The Waspish Wilcox
• The Methodical McCracken
• The Disobedient Dumfart
• The Theatergoing Titcombe
• The Five-Star Felcher
• The Celtic Cooter

Ya know, I was totally sympathetic up until the "1,000 insider points from Sephora" line. That means she spent $1,000 there. That's some kinda makeup. Chick doesn't need a man -- she needs a shovel.

As a young boy in 1820, Joseph Smith wanted to know which church was true. As he searched the Bible for help, he read that he should ask of God. Acting on this counsel, Joseph went into the woods near his home and prayed. Suddenly, a light shone above him and Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ appeared to him. When Joseph asked which church he should join, the Savior told him to join none of the churches then in existence because they were teaching incorrect doctrines. Through this experience and many others that followed, the Lord chose Joseph to be His prophet and to restore the gospel of Jesus Christ and His Church to the earth.

There are several billion reasons why I'm suspicious about God's miraculous appearance to average Joes, but one big one is this: whenever God talks to people, he always tells them to build a new church.

He told Moses to start one a couple thousand years ago. And Moses did. He started a big church. God spent lots of time with Moses, and even gave him stone tablets with all the rules. Evidently that didn't cover it. God decided they're "teaching incorrect doctrines," so rather than try to fix the thing he's asking another dude to give it a shot.

Honestly, why would he bother? If I hired random humans to paint my portrait and their first fifteen attempts looked like Pauly Shore eating sausage, I don't think I'd keep turning up at ateliers saying, "Hey, let's give it another go!" But God does. He keeps materializing in bedrooms everywhere, saying, "Build a new church!" until the entire world is wearing funny hats and there's Klingon weddings advertised on Craigslist.

If I did believe in God, I'd think he'd occasionally have a different message. He's allegedly everywhere and eternal: can't he pop up just once to say, "Man, I really dig that outfit!"? Hell, even Justin Bieber occasionally turns up in children's hospitals, and he's booked through 2093. God's calendar is pretty much empty except for that one day where he's pencilled "RAPTURE!!!"

But no, all these people are special. God wants them to start his one true church. All of them. Sorry, I don't buy it. It's like reincarnation: sorry, chicks: not everybody gets to be Cleopatra.

This same crazy specialness seems to prompt people to start new charities. Really, do we need more charities? There's actually a Make A Wish to Make A Wish Foundation for healthy people who just want go to Disney World. So why would idiots like Wyclef Jean start a new charity to help Haiti? What's his excuse: no hit-wonders get discount rates on Bactine? He doesn't want to deal with all those egotistical fuckers from the Red Cross?

And why the hell would football players start charities? It's like they're all standing in front of a mirror saying, "There are billions of charities around, and altruistic geniuses have failed attempting to start new ones, but nobody's gonna waylay this chunky ball-tosser's goodwill!"

So, I don't believe it. I don't believe God appeared, and I don't believe God told anybody to do anything. And I'll only reconsider after I read a newspaper article where a blinding ray of light illuminates some Mongolian shepherd and he hears a ghostly voice say, "Join the Catholics! Dude, they are totally doin' it right!"

Fine Art Monday

Art is so uplifting. It's what differentiates man from animal. It makes you think, and it appeals to your finer nature. That's why on Mondays I frequently feature fine art.

Today I offer Eugène Delacroix's Liberty Leading the People. It's not the painting I really wanted to post, but I couldn't find a GIF of Progress Continues Unabated, where the metaphorical protagonist's shorts fly up.

I spent the first half of this week in Philadelphia. I really love it there: it's the living embodiment of American history. Nearly every relic from our country's rocky road to freedom is on view there, from the Constitution to the Liberty Bell to Betsy Ross' house. The quaint streets and alleys are still illuminated with gas lamps and paved with the cobblestones that rang with the hooves of Paul Revere's horse.

At the Liberty Bell, a Ben Franklin lookalike wanders around, eager to explain historical events to curious bystanders. Wandering the streets, a Minuteman plays his flute, perhaps enjoying a few minutes of freedom before his unit is called back to the battlefield. At the Betsy Ross House, a young girl in a gingham dress and milkmaid's cap sews small, precise stitches into a flag. And in the train station, a withered old man exposes himself to anybody who'll look.

Now, I'm not the average tourist, but one of these glances back into history profoundly affected me.

I'm taking a leak in the men's room when this insanely old man comes in. He is ancient: his few strands of remaining hair are pure white, his skin is blotchy and mottled, and his face is a mass of wrinkled, saggy flesh. He shuffles over to the urinal next to me, his shirt held up by a skinny wire hanger of shoulders. He slowly pulls down his zipper, extracts his equipment, and starts playing with it.

I ignore him for probably a minute or so. I think, well, since this dude's sex life is clearly in the rear view mirror, he's just trying to wake that shit up so he can take a leak. But he keeps wrestling it, manhandling it, like he's trying to get the last squeeze of toothpaste out of the tube. And pretty soon his bits are at half-mast and pointed straight at me.

Suddenly it hits me. He's exposing himself to me.

Naturally I'm, like, Ohmigod! This crazy city thinks of everything. I mean, all the major cities are trying to attract the LGBT tourist, but hiring someone to represent an all-but-forgotten era in our history just goes above and beyond.

As I watch him try to wring life into his limp bits, I sigh with contentment. I feel like I'm actually there, looking through a window into the past. I'm seeing the exact same thing that a Minuteman might have seen a hundred years ago, if this old dude had thought he was hot.

I realize all tourists are different. Maybe that track-suited mom identifies with the flag-sewing Betsy. Maybe that dad in khakis feels a kinship with the down-to-earth Ben. But this is the man who opens the door for me. Back in our forefather's time, I probably wouldn't have joined the infantry, or learned how to play the flute, or sewed flags by candlelight. I wouldn't have played whist or danced the quadrille with the local girls until I found myself a wife and started a family. I'd have listened to Fibber McGee and Molly on the wireless, took my ration book to the butcher for a rasher of bacon, and -- it seems impossible to believe, since my broad shoulders and firm pecs get roughly 800 messages a day on Grindr -- I'd probably have hung around bathrooms exposing myself to anybody who'd look my way.

Suddenly the reality of that hard-fought history hits me, and tears well up in my eyes. My grandparents had always told me about how difficult their lives were, with death everywhere and food in short supply and blah blah blah. But now their stories hit home. Could this gay man spend half an hour comparing and contrasting photos of hotties before committing to one? With one touch of a button could he limit his possible sexual partners to thuggish dudes with eight inches or more?

I mean, where is the quality control? What if you're in the bathroom on the day all the hot dudes were busy? I shudder to think what kind of trolls our brave forefathers had to blow.

Anyway, I applaud Philadelphia for providing the perfect vacation destination for every historical-minded tourist. I think that's why I'll always return. No matter who you are, it's a window into your past, and it should never be forgotten. Heck, I'll probably never forget it, and not just because I've still got the taste of pee in my mouth.

A Week After The Trayvon Martin Verdict, Jennifer Lopez Says It's Time To Change Everything. Starting With Latino Phone Service. Ay, Dios Mio -- Viva Móvil Starts At Just $40 A Month!