Butt Magazine has introduced a new line of beach towels featuring semi-clothed men. They're $45 each, and a portion of the sales goes to benefit the Ali Forney Center for homeless LGBT youth.

I know it's for a good cause, but I still think they're kind of creepy. I can't help thinking they're like a gay version of the Shroud of Turin.

Where was I between 12 and 6? Waiting for my Time Warner cable to come back up.

I didn't bother calling. Hey, if I deserved any respect at all, I'd have FiOS.

Oh. Okay. The good news: You can read what some random dude thinks are the "50 Worst Hip-Hop Fails of All Time!"

The bad news: He gives you one fail per page.

Estimated click-through time: eighteen hours. Let me know if you get to number 1. Hell, let me know if you get to 49.

I just bought one of these new knitting clocks, and I love it. It knits one stitch per minute, and you can tell what time it is by where the needles are. Mostly, though, it's proven handy for getting rid of people who have overstayed their welcome. "I'm not saying you've been here a long time," I tell them, "but I can walk you to the door in my new turtleneck."

Highlights from Saturday's Pride Fest

EMCEE: The gay community is so diverse, so creative, so fabulous. For some odd reason, then, our next act is a caterwauling horror who could get the baby Jesus to scream, "Would you please shut the fuck up?" Here she is: Paula Zands.

(TEN MINUTES LATER)

EMCEE: Wasn't that something? If she was flying an airplane and musical notes were buildings, she'd have just safely touched down in Newark. Please, if you're running for the exit, remember to pick up your trash. And now, two drag queens will re-enact a dysfunctional family drama with absolutely no camp or irony.

(TEN MINUTES LATER)

EMCEE: Well, we sure learned something new tonight. Drag queens aren't all fun and games, right? In case you missed their eighteen plugs, they're playing at Cheeto's tonight, shows at 8, 10, and 12. And now, the amazingly talented woman half of you have been waiting for, Meshell N'Degeocello.

(TEN MINUTES LATER)

EMCEE: Sorry we had to cut her off during that fantastic, funky rendition of Blondie's disco classic "Heart of Glass," but everybody gets ten minutes, whether they've sold ten million records or they're tweaked on Ecstacy and ad-libbing a ventriloquist act with a half-eaten banana as their dummy. And now, Lt. Dan Choi will lead us all in chants about self-respect like the reason we don't have equal rights is because we all hate ourselves.

The gay community's decision that shock jocks Rick & Bubba are complete assholes was reached using deduction and logic and by no means is intended to offend anybody else whose brain doesn't work right.

Today's Cookiepuss News

So Carvel Ice Cream gave Lindsay Lohan a card that entitled her to free ice cream for life. Which at a place like Carvel can add up to, like, hundreds of dollars worth of crap. Since Lindsay doesn't actually like food, though, she gave the card to her mom Dina, who wore the numbers off the plastic getting an ice cream cake every fifteen minutes. Finally, a Carvel clerk snapped, and confiscated the card.

Dina was shocked. That couldn't be legal, could it? She phoned the police, and the officer who responded ordered the Carvel employee to return the card.

Then he charged her with Assault and Buttery.

I don't get anything about this story, starting with the fact that this ice cream store's business model includes buying one freakin' ice cream mold and using it to make Fudgie the Whale in one direction and Hootie the Owl when it's upside down. Because, you know, $14 doesn't grow on trees. Plus, you'd think they'd be happy to get a customer in the joint who gets excited about a Cookiepuss.

Anyway, here's a picture of a protester at a BP hearing, because it's pretty much how I'm imagining this thing played out.

You know, they're pretty much asking for it, putting a headline in the URL.

Okay, Okay! You're Pleasantly Plump!

Counterfeit condoms have become a booming business in China in recent years. According to a report in The Times of London last year, the Chinese authorities reported that they had raided a workshop in Hunan Province where more than two million condoms had been made in unsterile conditions, lubricated with vegetable oil instead of the spermicide advertised on the label.

On the plus side, at least the baby should slide right out.

HAIR STYLIST: My boyfriend goes to Japan at least twice a year.

ME: Really? What does he do?

HAIR STYLIST: He's a shopaholic.

Low Self-Esteem Dog: "So, Do You Like Me Now?"

Who, me? I'm just a poor Russian woman pouring some old milk onto the ground. Please ignore me.


Hmm? This is a drawbridge? Oh. I did not notice. A tall boat must be going by.


What are you saying? My discarded milk has made some kind of picture? What an imagination you have!


You hear police sirens? I think so too. Excuse me: there is some place I must go.

When messenger to the dead John Edward gave a reading for Tori Spelling, she hoped her father Aaron would come through. Instead, one of her father's employees turned up. “Farrah Fawcett came through in my reading loud and clear,” Tori gushed. “She wanted me to give a message to her family about how she was doing and what was going on and I’m like, ‘Great! She really picked the wrong person.'"

Edward was reportedly terrified by the pale, skeletal apparation. And then Farrah appeared.

Two NYPD cops from Brooklyn driving on the wrong side of the street knocked over a bicyclist and then left the bloodied rider without filing a report.

Officers Louis Ramos, 42, and Paris Anderson, 33, were suspended without pay after the incident, at least part of which was captured on surveillance video. They said they thought the man just fell off his bicycle after being startled by the patrol car's lights and sirens.

Because if there's one thing a New York bicyclist isn't expecting it's a loud, bright car.

Robert Pattinson vastly prefers briefs to boxers. "When doing all his stunts, Robert likes to feel down below is all in place and not flopping around. It's one less thing that he has to worry about."

Says Mr. Cecil, his Penis Valet.

Blowing Stereotypes Out Of The Water

Another Park Slope resident, Rose-Marie Whitelaw, turned her entire 10-by-20-foot deck into a haven for her seven cats. Using pipes, chicken wire and deer fencing, she erected a seven-foot railing that the cats cannot climb, then spray-painted it black so it would be less obtrusive.

“I’m kind of handy with copper piping and a blowtorch,” said Ms. Whitelaw, 50.

Yesterday an FDA staff report recommended against approving a female version of Viagra because the benefits of the pill didn't outweigh its side effects, which included dizziness, nausea and fatigue.

Yeah, because it's really important that horny women should be able to stand up.

Sigh; I have sooo totally been there.

RANDOLPH SCOTT (on left): Gosh, this is swell! Shucks, I'm having a great time!

CARY GRANT (on right): Please let him sleep with me. Please let him sleep with me. Please let. . . .

Why Taxes Are High

"[Rescuing sailors is] not at all an efficient use of our military and civilian resources," [said Neil James, executive director of the Australian Defence Association]. "But the problem is, what happens if you don't do it? There's some real moral dilemmas involved in this. You can't just say, 'Well, you're a stupid idiot,' and let them drown. It would be pretty hard to justify that."