Sitting in Front of a Guy Who Looked Exactly Like John Landis (repost from 1999)

On a flight from L. A. to New York I recently sat in front of a man who looked EXACTLY like John Landis, but as I have a horrible fear of lawsuits it DEFINITELY POSITIVELY was not John Landis.

Ordinarily I don't eavesdrop on conversations -- especially on flights from L. A., since I really don't need any more information on either Pottery Barn or plastic surgery -- but the Non-Landis had his mouth approximately two feet from my ears and he was SCREAMING. I tried the subtle hint of clamping my hands over my ears and he wouldn't quiet down. I turned up my headset so loud that people in KANSAS were looking up and going, "Hey, do you hear Ratt?" and he wouldn't quiet down.

I spent half an hour trying to convince people sitting next to a screaming baby to change seats with me. Because at least the baby wasn't SMACKING F*CKING CHEWING GUM two feet from my head while discussing DAN ACKROYD. At least the baby wouldn't pound on the back of my chair every time he wanted to emphasize a point. Like an ATOM BOMB needs emphasis.

And so for the remainder of the flight, like people who are trapped in car wrecks, buried under forty feet of snow or entombed in collapsed buildings, I got through it the only way I knew how: by repeating to myself over and over, WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE -- AND I KNOW I WILL -- I'M GOING TO POST ALL ABOUT THIS ON THE INTERNET.

So here are some highlights.

He's 48, has a wife named Leslie, a 16-year-old daughter, and a son who's in that "unconditional love phase," which if I know men means either the kid is less than four or his dad has huge honking breasts. He's got a half-brother, two sisters and a stepsister, all of whom "feel much closer to me than I do to them." His parents were "very reformed" Jews and his wife is atheist.

Commenting on a magazine: "Those are great tits. Real tits." As opposed to, I imagine, reproductions.

On "Antz": "It's a Woody Allen movie. Because it's animated you don't have to look at him. [Ed. note: D-uh!] He's old."

On Woody Allen's "Celebrity": "Hated it. Hated it. I hated it. Hated it. Hated it."

On the in-flight movie "Practical Magic": "Ugh. It's unwatchable. Just unwatchable."

Said there's going to be a re-release of the movie "Blood Simple" to promote it's video release. He said they recut it because they didn't have the rights to some of the music used.

Said Eddie Murphy got $20,000 to appear in "Trading Places."

Said he's happy with his latest project, but it was a very frustrating experience. "It's a small movie, very unambitious."

On how difficult some actors are to work with: "Like Danny Ackroyd I have some close friends that are out of control."

"We're No Angels": "It's terrible. Horrible."

Meg Ryan: "She's very overrated."

On airplanes: "I still can't believe we're 37 thousand feet in the air. It's like science fiction."

On the internet: "I hate the internet. Do I go on it? No. I'm astounded by how stupid everything is."

On the ocean: "The ocean is big."

And for our finale, I must caution sensitive and/or thoughtful readers that they might want to skip ahead to the next posting. I post this only because I am futilely hopeful that in the future people like Mr. Non-Landis will think twice about screaming and pounding on the backs of chairs because they just might hold IRRITATED PEOPLE WITH INTERNET ACCESS.

"'Shakespeare in Love' is a great movie, not for the acting but the writing. If you know Shakespeare it's just brilliant. My daughter is interested in the theater, which is too bad, but as I said to my wife: thank God she has no talent."

I'm trying to get a German drivers' license and am dumbfounded by the government's official study app. We all know Germans are overprotective and borderline paranoid, but can't they pretend to be normal here? I mean, how do you study for a question like this?

"Before turning right at an intersection, you should:
1. Activate your turn signal.
2. Move into the right lane.
3. Be aware that goose attacks injure 27 people every year."

I am aware of goose attacks. I also know about asteroids, climate change, and that groundhogs are neither ground nor hogs. But maybe, just for this test, we can ignore everything that human beings should be aware of all the time? When you're frying chicken, you should know that there's a vaccine that eradicates polio in children. This is a true statement. That knowledge isn't specific to frying chicken, though, which is why most cookbooks leave it out.

Likewise, German drivers' license bureau, maybe your education should stick to driving tips. It's a fair compromise: When I'm stopped behind a school bus I can look out for wayward children or cars in my blindspot, but for a blissful minute or two please let me stop worrying about circus performers who've been temporarily blinded by talcum powder.

Random Thoughts

You know how Asian restaurants are named after ingredients, like Papaya, Lemongrass or Wasabi? If German restaurants did the same thing, they’d be called Catsup or Potato.

DID YOU KNOW? The incredible honeybee uses radar, expert eyesight, and tiny vibrating hairs on his thorax to spot flowers as far as eight miles away, but when he's buzzing around your living room he can't even find the goddamn door.

My ankles are so thin skinny jeans look like bellbottoms on me.

I know exactly what those ultra-marathoners feel like. Yesterday I walked to the store and bought a gallon of water.

One day soon I'm going to match up all my keys with the doors I open and the padlocks I own, and Jesus is going to suddenly appear and say, "You have done well, my child," and then take me to heaven along with all the folks who eat quinoa.

MINISTER: "The ring shows that your husband owns you. Your white dress symbolizes your purity. When your husband pushes your veil away, he is exposing your womanhood. And when he smashes the glass beneath his feet, it is like --"

BRIDE: "CAN WE JUST SAY 'I DO' ALREADY?"

If I ever have kids and they love Disney characters, I'll be fine as long as it's ironically. Like, "Oh, great, there’s Cinderella. What are bitchy women and handsome men doing to her today?"

Crows are the only birds to use tools. So yes, sparrows are still the idiots you thought they were.

Stripping Grammar Naked

Once in a while, somebody will ask me where I learned to write. Sometimes I tell them about the year I spent under John Rechy at Princeton. Sometimes I tell them about the short-story classes I took with Edmund White, or the sabbatical at that writer's colony off the woodsy coast of Nantucket.

And sometimes I tell them the truth: that I learned everything I know from sitting naked in front of my computer and reading lots and lots of godawful porn.

Experts know the best way to learn what's good is to study what's bad. For instance, I learned how not to cook Mexican food from Taco Bell, what not to wear from Wal-Mart, and how not to have sex with ex-husbands 1, 2 and 4. Desperate to find the very worst in writing, I cruised the sleaziest internet porn sites, searched Google for every four-letter word, and scrutinized every fan-fiction site where Spock and Sulu ever touched.

To save you time, though, and from discovering your belongings heaped on the doorstep by an intolerant boyfriend who knows about Google's History tab, I've compiled the most miserable writing I've found in many hard years of study. If we take a moment to examine these examples and see what mistakes were made, we can use that knowledge to write up some rules that we can use to improve our own work.

(1) He had nice thick chest hair that covered his entire body.

The first thing we learn is, never eat breakfast while surfing porn sites. Because while chest hair can be reasonably fetching on, say, a chest, when it creeps over to the forehead or the elbows it can make David Lynch spew up his Sugar Pops. It doesn't take an expert to realize chest hair is best confined to the upper torso, in much the same manner that toenails should remain in the vicinity of the feet.

(2) Jim grabbed his ass through his tight shorts and said, "I want you bad."

From this awkward construction we learn that if there are two or more males in your story, avoid using the word "his." Your dramatic scene will turn farcical if the reader thinks your hero is grabbing his own body parts and expressing his feelings of desire. Similar examples include the following:

-- The stranger wrapped his hungry mouth around his mushroom head.
-- Standing at the side of the bed, Gustavo grabbed his ankles and lifted them high into the air.
-- Slowly Maury worked his lips down to his stomach.

(3) All night long Carl slept, sprawled naked across the bed, and Max approached with anticipation.

What we learn here is, modifiers in the first half of your sentence also apply to the second. We’ve got a scene that’s probably eight hours long, which means Max moves about as slowly as gay rights.

(4) Brad's endowment was throbbing so hard Joshua thought it'd explode.

The problem here is painfully obvious: Don't frighten your reader with images from Japanese horror movies. You've spent hours conjuring up the perfect picture, then you go and spoil the mood:

-- Chuck's erection grew so hard it could have knocked over Hitler.
-- I'd never seen an ass pounded so relentlessly, and I watch Bill O'Reilly.
-- His equipment, trapped in those thin white shorts, looked like my grandma in her bra.

(5) Max took out Walter's penis and played with it.

Watch out for phrases with multiple meanings like “took out.” While you may assume it’s equivalent to “bared" or "uncovered,” the reader may opt for another meaning, like “to remove from a box.”

(6) I really wanted to have sex with him. After I finished my french toast, I slid over next to him and brought it up.

Here we've got a confusing pronoun -- in this case, the word "it." The writer is hoping he can refer all the way back to his previous sentence, but instead the reader stops at the closest noun, which just happens to be "french toast."

Other regrettable examples are:

-- My wife and I made love on the deck of our pristine white yacht, then I tied her to the pier and went home.

-- Cooper and I took the dog for a walk. I couldn't resist the way his ass swayed back and forth, so I dragged him behind a bush and took him from behind.

(7) He grabbed hold of his meat and pulled out a condom.

This sentence shows that sometimes there's a weird synergy between different parts of your sentence. Either half of this line is fine by itself, but put the two together and it sounds like a magic trick.

Similar missteps include:

-- I squeezed the bartender's nipple and he refilled my empty glass.
-- Wayne rubbed Raoul's butt until Barbara Eden appeared.

(8) On my knees, Stephen grabbed my head and guided it toward his groin.

This is what's called a "dangling modifier," because the writer has misplaced a clause. Rather than being turned on, the reader pictures a Cirque du Soleil-style attraction. Re-read your articles searching for sentences like:

-- Covered with mayonnaise, Roger took a bite of his sandwich.
-- Engrossed in the newspaper, his penis lay there quietly.
-- Nearly at orgasm, Puddles the dog trotted in.

Well, we've just barely scratched the surface, but today's lesson has to come to an end. Remember, there are serious side effects to reading too much porn. You start to feel inadequate by constantly comparing yourself to these perfect, unreal images, and your self esteem can suffer as a result.

Honestly, though, I swear to you: usually I can go on for hours.