Thursday, July 16, 2015

You know why I need to do yoga? Because I have a really hard time dealing with idiots like Adriene, star of Yoga For Complete Beginners. Adriene is a friendly, attractive woman who is apparently nearing enlightenment without realizing that "complete beginners" don't know words like asano and mudro. It doesn't help that her microphone is pinned above her right breast, so when she turns her head left you can't hear her, and when she does a Downward Dog your speakers blow.

Still, the video has had nearly four million viewers, all of whom are thinking, "What the fuck is she talking about?" For real complete beginners, let me clarify Adriene's yoga-babble.

ADRIENE: Take a second to check in with the breath.

ADDED NOTE: If you don't have luggage, you'll need photo ID.

ADRIENE: Just finding a little organic movement here.

ADDED NOTE: Because yoga should never be done around pesticides.

ADRIENE: Inhale in, and nice long exhale out. Tadasana!

ADDED NOTE: Just don't inhale out or exhale in. Kablammalang!

ADRIENE: I start at my tailbone, I travel up the spine, walking up the spine....

ADDED NOTE: And if I get to the corner, I pick up a green tea and then head back home.

ADRIENE: Find a nice space between the ears and the shoulders.

ADDED NOTE: Though if you find a loft with a kitchenette you're doing something wrong.

ADRIENE: Turn the left toes in.

ADDED NOTE: Beginners, go ahead and move the foot with them.

ADRIENE: Nice and easy here as we climb up the side body, climb up the spine...

ADDED NOTE: If we get lost, we'll call for sherpas.

ADRIENE: ...spreading the palms like starfish....

ADDED NOTE: Although it might be easier to make your elbow cluck like a chicken.

ADRIENE: Eventually we're going to want to get to a place where the bottom of that thigh is parallel to the earth.

ADDED NOTE: And if the top of that thigh isn't parallel to the earth, we'll seek help because our leg is broke.

ADRIENE: Spread the fingertips in celebration of you.

ADDED NOTE: Kablammalang! Baby, don't tempt me.

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