99% Of People Sick Of Surveys That Combine "It's Freakin' Unbelievable!" With "Well, I Guess It's Aight"

The Apple Watch was a divisive subject among early tech adopters, but a new survey being widely circulated shows customers clearly agree: a stunning 97% say the watch is either a gift sent directly by God to Earth or perfectly acceptable for automated jewelry made by irritated Chinese.

"I was surprised," said Apple Watch aficionado Norma Chipotle when told about the survey. "I suspected that Apple was in way over their heads on this. But when I strapped it to my wrist I instantly realized it was either a spectacular triumph of micro-engineering or something that wouldn't quite give me a lady boner."

Apple stock skyrocketed to reflect the product's startling success, and once again Apple has extended its unbroken winning streak. After twenty-plus years at the forefront of high-end design, they've delivered yet another product that's drawn near unanimous declarations that it's either the undisputed electronics gift of the year or the thing you'd fetch if your house was on fire and your wife already got the Everybody Loves Raymond DVDs.