Monday, February 9, 2015

Madonna Performs "Living For Love" At The 2015 Grammys

While the rest of the world remains blissfully clueless, music insiders are buzzing about what happened to Madonna during her performance at the Grammys last night. Her rehearsal earlier in the evening went perfectly and there was no reason to suspect anything would go wrong other than the fact that she is turning into Mae West as we speak. Analyzing frames from the broadcast performance, however, we can see where her act took such a dreadful turn.

The show starts off well. She sings a bit, then flings aside her cape to reveal her colorful matador costume underneath. This is the first time in forty years she's taken her clothes off by herself, though, and she finds the process has winded her.

She drops to the ground, injuring a knee. She discovers she can't get up.

Her backup dancers start to buzz about what's happening, because this is where she's supposed to mime being trapped in Tupperware to illustrate the crushing need for recycling. Instead she remains on the ground and reaches out for help.

At this point, no one in the audience suspects anything has happened. The pain isn't registering on Madonna's face, but there's probably a reason that might also explain why her eyes are now five feet apart. A dancer, however, realizes that until they answer the phone at MedAlert someone's going to have to help her through the act.

Other dancers catch on and lift her onto the smoking stage, where she is supposed to perch on a glittery rock and rap about how young women need to v-steam in the third world. Instead she seems to be struggling to remember where she is. Lights, glitter, men in lace masks and horns: oh, good -- she's in her bedroom.

More dancers join in and try to form a human walker around Madonna, but that just confuses her and makes her think she's headed to Sav-On. She starts groping around for a scarf and her Coupon Saver.

Smartly, Madonna has cast her dancers from the ranks of the West Hollywood Fire Department, and their training immediately shows. One of them hoists her into the air in a textbook Liza Minnelli Lift. He carries her to the side of the stage. This can't be easy for her, as she perhaps senses that this scene is just an Andrew McCarthy away from being Weekend at Bernie's.

Perhaps he feels his resolve weakening, as he's usually armed with a hose and a gas mask. He hands her off to a colleague. Madonna is really being a trooper here, though her dance rebuke against Boko Haram goes untapped. Anybody else would have left the stage, but instead you can almost hear her exhorting her helpers to never forget the jazz hands.

Finally the Medevac helicopter arrives and hoists her to safety, and the Grammy audience still doesn't suspect a thing. Madonna is said to be resting comfortably this morning. She is surrounded by concerned dancers, basking in their good wishes while reminding them that they really should come up and see her sometime.

1 comment:

Yet Another Steve said...

God that was a satisfying read. Now I want a cigarette.