Monday, September 9, 2013

Dear AMC TV employees:

You've never heard of me, but I found all your email addresses on Google. Based solely and entirely on that string of letters with "@" in the middle I've decided that you all want to get email from me. Surely you agree, since that's apparently why I get email from you.

Today I'm having chicken sandwiches for lunch. Just broiled chicken on bread. I always liked mayo but recently decided it's kind of gross, like lube for a sandwich. I don't even like getting my throat greased up when Raoul's in town.

If you don't want to receive these updates in the future, UNSUBSCRIBE HERE. Either click on the box where it says DINING DELIBERATIONS or unclick it: one of them subscribes and one unsubscribes but I didn't take notes when I set it up.

Welcome to my email list!
RomanHans



Dear AMC TV employees:

Hi. It's me again. I played a little joke on you: the checkboxes on my UNSUBSCRIBE page don't work at all. Or as you guys say, "Please allow ten days for your changes to take affect." Ha!

I really don't get fashion. Everybody says you've got to wear a black belt with black shoes. And then I tune into Project Runway and chicks get reamed for being too "matchy-matchy"! Is that a thing? Do I need to buy something brown?

If you don't want to receive this newsletter, CLICK HERE and uncheck the box next where it says WARDROBE WONDERINGS. Please allow blah blah blah.

All the best,
RomanHans



Dear AMC TV employees:

Me again. I know you unsubscribed from WARDROBE WONDERINGS and DINING DELIBERATIONS. Hell, I haven't seen four hundred people move so fast since I went swimming in white Speedos. But this is a brand new newsletter and I thought you'd be interested.

Did you know tofu increases estrogen production? I was having lunch with a girlfriend when she was all, "Roman, you are turning into a chick." And I was like huh? She said, "You're vegetarian, right? You're eating lots of tofu? Well, tofu causes estrogen production, and it's turning you into a chick." Naturally I was relieved. I mean, I'd assumed she was badmouthing my skirt.

Stay tuned for more updates with my weekly LUNCHTIME LAUGHS newsletter. You should probably forget about unsubscribing because I'm just doing new newsletters every week until Jesus returns.

All the best,
RomanHans



Dear AMC TV employees:

Well, out of the kindness of my heart I added a box that said UNSUBSCRIBE ME FROM ALL NEWSLETTERS, and all four hundred of you did. This means you won't get any more of my newsletters. This, however, is a one-time email I thought would interest you. Why? Because you're the people who kept emailing me crap about Breaking Bad when I DON'T WATCH THAT SHIT and COULDN'T GIVE A FUCK.

Today it's warm in my apartment, so I put the air conditioning on. Rain is dappling at the windows so I kind of want to open them but I live over a Chinese restaurant and the Amityville Horror can't compete with those kinda flies.

This has been WEATHER WONDERINGS.

Okay, I'm not a sadist. All your angry notes have finally gotten to me. If you really don't want to hear from me, CLICK HERE and initial where it says, "Roman, I apologize for incessantly emailing you crap about Breaking Bad when you DON'T WATCH THAT SHIT and COULDN'T GIVE A FUCK. I promise we'll never email you again."

It'll work; I promise. But if I ever hear from you again, my next update is called SEXY SHENANIGANS and my pubic hair went gray back in 1982.

All the best,
RomanHans

1 comment:

Yet Another Steve said...

I'm bookmarking this as a template to use on various and sundry online organizations. Hell, maybe I won't even change the names. Thank you, you have performed a Service For Humanity.

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