Wednesday, September 11, 2013

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

Picture this: you're on a date. You've had a fabulous dinner followed by expensive drinks, and now you're parked in front of her house saying good night. You lean in for a kiss and she cowers back like dogs are attacking. "It's been a wonderful evening," she stutters. "Let's please not ... spoil it."

What's gone wrong? Odds are you've just fallen victim to the number-one killer of the one-night stand: your breath was just too fresh.

See, you put a lot of effort into that date. Maybe too much effort, in fact. You shaved, got dressed up, maybe splashed on a little cologne. At first your girl thought it was nice. Then when you started asking about her day and wondering what she thought, she realized you'd put more effort into this than she did. The die was cast. When she smelled that fatal dose of minty Mentos on your breath she thought, "Ohmigod, this dude is crazy desperate!"

Well, buckle up and get ready for your life to change with Colgate's new Coffee and Cigarettes scent. It not only cleans and whitens your teeth, but it leaves behind the odor of freshly-ground French roast (black, no sugar) and unfiltered Pall Mall cigarettes.

Colgate's harsh new scent has been scientifically formulated to totally addle today's women. At first whiff she'll think you were busy and semi-thoughtless, but over the next seven to ten minutes it'll occur to her that deep down you don't care about her at all. Before the night is over the unmistakable truth will have solidified in her head: you have better things to do and don't care about her at all. Now lean in for that kiss and see where you get! Just make sure you've got coffee and cigarettes for two.

Also look out for new Colgate Advanced Coffee and Cigarettes, to give you twelve-hour protection against looking like you give a fuck.

1 comment:

Yet Another Steve said...

Actually, I think it was the cologne that turned her off. Any cologne. Because people who use cologne all seem to think that half a bottle just isn't enough.