How Pizza Margarita Got Its Name

Margarita was the prettiest girl in Naples in 1953. Naturally when she visited the local pizzeria, the owners wanted to impress her. Though wartime rationing made meat hard to find, Mario and Luigi threw every scrap they could find onto the pizza. Today it's on the children's menu at Pizza Hut.

When they brought Margarita her pizza, shiny with oil and dripping in animal fat, she stared at it in horror. "What the fuck is this shit?" she barked. "You think I'm fat? Salami, pepperoni, meatballs -- you think I shove any kind of crap in my gob?"

Mario recoiled in shock and ran back to the kitchen with the pizza. What an embarrassment! "I can't believe it," he wailed to his brother. "She come to a pizzeria, but she no wanta pizza! What does she want?"

Suddenly Luigi had a brainstorm. While his brother watched, he made up a special pizza that was just dough and sauce and a tiny dab of cheese.

"What the fuck is that?" asked Mario.

"Eh," said Luigi, "she no wanta food, we no give her food." As a finishing touch, he scattered on some basil leaves to make the entrée look a little less like puke.

Mario shrugged his shoulders and brought the weightless wonder out to Margarita. She shrieked with delight, clapping her tiny hands. She devoured every bite, and when she left she gave Mario and Luigi big kisses on the cheek.

The puzzled pizza makers retired to the kitchen. "Why the fuck would somebody want a pizza with nothing on it?" Luigi asked.

"Beats me," said Mario. "But I wish every customer was like her! We charged her eighteen bucks for three cents worth of food."

Luigi rubbed his hands together. "If we could sell everybody a pizza with no kindza shit on it and charge them full price, we'd get rich!"

"You stupid!" Mario snapped, whacking his brother with a rolling pin. "Nobody's gonna order something called, 'Pizza With No Kindza Shit On It.'"

Luigi nodded. "Well, maybe we just need a fancier name."

The brothers thought for a second before Mario poked the air with a pudgy finger. "How about Pizza Margarita? That's all candy-ass, fancy-schmancy. When people hear that they'll picture a really tasty pizza, not realizing it's just slightly less filling than half a Dorito. And after they've ordered it, they can't complain, because everybody would think they're idiots for ordering something they no understand."

The pair went ahead with their plan, and it was a rousing success. Within six months every pizza place in the universe was serving Pizza Margarita, and the billionaire brothers had moved to Brooklyn and opened a snack bar. Sadly, they pushed their luck too far and were killed after a local discovered their $14 Esmerelda Burger was a pickle slice dipped in mustard.

FIN