Notes on a Sick Movie. Spoilers.

I'm only about two years behind the times. I just upgraded to Mac OS X, I just got the first Interpol CD, and I just watched "Notes on a Scandal" with Cate Winslett and Judi Dench.

Jeez, what a piece of crap this is. There hasn't been a more offensive movie made in the last five years, and I'm including Mel Gibson's work.

Cate Winslett is a young, beautiful, rich, married heterosexual who decides to teach because she's bored. Within minutes of showing up at school, she's sleeping with a 15-year-old boy, and has ugly old lesbian Judi Dench surgically attached at her waist.

Beautiful heterosexual Cate takes pity on ugly old lesbian Judi, and they become friends. Judi finds out about the affair and promises not to tell anyone, but when her cat dies -- c'mon, you thought an ugly old lesbian wouldn't have a cat? -- and Cate isn't sympathetic, Judi feels betrayed and tells. Crap hits fan.

On paper, this sounds pretty simple. Doesn't sound like Judi is the villain. She is.

Early on, Cate's teenage daughter yells at Judi. "Get lost, you old crone!" she snaps. "Why don't you go home?" Judi is confused, because up to this point all she's done is:

1. Been friendly.
2. Gone to Cate's home when invited.
3. Been an ugly old lesbian.

We're not supposed to wonder, because obviously (3) is motive enough. When the cat dies and Judi comes in search of sympathy, Daughter screams again. This time, rather than sending her to her room without dinner, Dad joins in. Cate doesn't tell them to stuff it. She'll "handle" Judi, she says. "Handle" the ugly old lesbian. As opposed to saying something like "She's my friend and her cat died. What the f*** is wrong with you two?"

Cate is fired, and Judi too. There's not much justification: she knew about the affair, the principal claims. Hard to believe he thinks this'll stand up in court, but we're not supposed to care, since Judi is a UOL. Cate's husband throws her out, and Cate asks Judi if she can move in. Since she's rich, this must mean she likes Judi, despite the fact she won't defend her. The press finds out and camps in front of Judi's house. Every time they see Judi, they call her names. (If anybody can recognize a UOL, it's newsmen.) Judi strokes Cate's arm, Cate freaks out, Judi talks about their "relationship" and Cate denies they have one. Yeah, they're just passing strangers/roommates.

Cate goes to jail, and when she's released her husband takes her back. Judi rises again, like Freddy Krueger. The last scene shows her on a park bench with another naive, pretty woman. We scream at the screen to defend heterosexual innocence, and we shudder as the movie ends.

Me, I'm masochistic: I can't wait for a sequel. Maybe in "Notes on a Halloween Scandal" Judi could attach herself to Jamie Lee Curtis, and battle Jason. Maybe in "Notes on an Alien Scandal" she could pester Sigourney Weaver, and have the Alien burst out of her stomach. Regardless how bad it is, though, I have to admit that we're making some progress. We've come a long way since "Basic Instinct."

We're putting our lesbian bitches in underwear now.