Over the last few days I've gotten literally hundreds of emails all saying the exact same thing: Roman, I just saw Harrison Ford on Access Hollywood. It was hard for me to believe, but he was getting his chest waxed. Even weirder, he said he was doing it to draw attention to world deforestation.

No, it was not a dream. World deforestation.

Roman, I've been wracking my brain for days now and hope you can help. Why is Harrison Ford getting his chest waxed like world deforestation?

Dear Readers,

I'm glad you wrote, as it seems quite obvious to me. Of course, I nearly have a degree from a major university. Harrison Ford getting his chest waxed is like world deforestation ...

10. Because like trees, grasses, mosses, and lichen, Harrison Ford's body hair converts carbon dioxide to oxygen.

9. Because after a country is deforested, it looks a lot better in an open shirt.

8. Because timber companies often clear forests just to make it easier to apply sunscreen.

7. Because chest hair is great at preventing runoff, if you know what I mean.

6. Because after they're done clearcutting, lumberjacks frequently offer to tweeze your eyebrows for free.

5. Because like trees, Harrison Ford's chest hair provides a home for thousands of species of wildlife.

4. Because when you cut trees down, they frequently scream "KELLY CLARKSON!"

3. Because when trees are allowed to grow wild across a country, it can be difficult to find its nipples.

2. Because when I think hard wood, I think Harrison Ford.

1. It's an metaphor: once its chest has been stripped bare, all the earth will have left is its pubes.