The official press release was like the answer to a prayer.
Space Invaders 2020
My hands shook as I read this. I have to admit, I loved Space Invaders. Though it looks painfully simple now, it was like magic back then. It was the first video game with a real competition, where there were good guys and bad guys and plenty of gunfire. (Some months earlier, Coleco released a non-violent version called Unresolved Space Disagreement that also had two sides but no gunfire. Its flaming commercial failure actually extinguished the entire genre. With no FIRE button, players found it tedious to repeatedly type things like, "I hear you, but we'll just have to agree to disagree".)
The indescribable detail in this new Space Invaders shows us the light years computer games have crossed. The little RGB 8x8-pixel creatures have been replaced by vector-drawn, motion-capture versions of a seething Andy Serkis. And remember the weaponry in the original iteration? You had exactly one choice: either fire or don't. This time around there's lots of new tech to play with, literally a space arsenal that can decimate everything from here to Alpha Centauri. Lucky players can now choose to wield:
The Fascia Incineration Ray: Vibrating beta waves loosen the delicate tissue beneath alien skin, causing the eyeballs to dislodge. It started off as kind of cool, though with time it turned a bit grotesque. Perhaps other players will appreciate the status bar updates like, "Somebody's gonna need an optometrist!"
The Groin Decimation Ray: I'm not sure how many times you need to see the sexual equipment of an invader incinerate like charcoal on a barbecue. The first time I was mesmerized as the game instantly flipped to slow-motion and I watched the alien’s face go ashy, its lip quavering slightly as the life-altering realization that they would never be able to reproduce again slowly moved across his face. The second time I literally yelled at the screen, "SPEED IT UP AGAIN, DICKLESS!"
In the face of all this advanced weaponry, you know something big has got to be motivating the alien army. Whereas with the old version we just assumed the invaders didn't like humans, this time around the conflict has been clearly spelled out: it's climate change. Now, apparently, the whole universe of alien civilizations is coming forward and saying, "THIS WILL NOT DO!"
An introductory video shows us the breaking point: aliens on an unnamed planet are watching macrotelescopic footage of a thoughtless teenager tossing an overloaded fast-food bag out of the window of a smoke-billowing Kia, hitting a Native American in the face. "Oh HELL no!" declares Commander Plinko from his chair at Mission Control, and then the fight is on.
However well-intentioned these politics are, I'm concerned that this scenario might quickly date. Even now I'm not so sure anyone will be scared by a Gollum-lookalike yelling, "THIS ONE IS FOR GRETA THUNBERG!" And while climate change is a serious problem, some of the examples the invaders cite can sound a little ... petty. It strikes us as almost comic when an invader shoots a barrage of alpha-rays at us while screaming, "You didn't cut up the plastic rings holding a six-pack together and now they're stuck on a dolphin's nose!" Though even a glancing blow by the Decimation Ray means painful death, it's hard to take it seriously when the attacker simultaneously hollers, "You tossed out a yogurt pot and now a hermit crab is living in it!"
I definitely didn't appreciate the new interfaces to apps, text messaging, and email. The first time I played I must have killed a really popular invader, because seconds later my cellphone exploded with Facebook notifications saying I'd been blocked by 87 residents of Planet Klorg. Days later I'd completely forgotten about the game when I got an email saying, "YOU HAVE DESTROYED OUR FAMILY! YOU MAY HAVE WON THE BATTLE BUT YOU HAVEN'T WON THE WAR!" I assumed it was from my Uncle Bill, and I nearly cancelled his National Geographic subscription. Then I noticed the return address was Planet Techron and the signee was Mistress Gloongba, widow of Commander Gloongba, and finally I pieced it all together.
New Modes are hit-and-miss. Realistic Mode was flat-out frustrating: I don't care if sound waves travel eight miles a second: when I kill an alien, I don't want to get a text sixteen minutes later saying, "OWWW!" I also didn't appreciate Inevitable Mode, where if your weapons narrowly miss a Space Invader, their good luck thwarts the natural order of the universe and their death will come soon by other means. It sounds interesting, though it strikes me as slightly underwhelming to get an email the next day saying the guy passed from undiagnosed heart disease.
STARS: 2 1/2 out of 4
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