Odds and Ends

Simon Cowell used the Golden Buzzer for a deaf singer named Mandy Harvey on Tuesday’s “America’s Got Talent." [Harvey] explained that when she was 18 years old she lost her hearing due to a connective tissue disorder.

She then said she was going to sing a song she wrote called “Try.” Before performing, Harvey explained that the song was about not giving up.

Wow. That sounds a lot like my song "Swim," which is about not sinking.

Fewer people know proper grammar these days, irritated blogger finds.

The First Draft Of An Article For A German Tourist Magazine

Germans always choose a side dish with tang or bite to counteract the richness of certain foods. The smart tourist, seeking an authentic meal, should always follow suit.

With Wienerschnitzel, for instance, you should opt for sweet lingonberry jam. Bratwurst needs a side of tangy sauerkraut. Rinderroulade (beef wrapped around bacon) finds a friendly companion in a heaping portion of pickles. The pork meatball called Frikadelle begs for a slathering of sharp, acidic mustard or HOW ABOUT YOU JUST STOP EATING FATTY FOOD???

I hate it when you're with somebody at a restaurant and the check comes and they say, "How about you get this and I'll get something else?" It never works out. Fifteen minutes later we're walking by a jewelry store and they don't say, "Hey, how about I buy you a nice watch?" We pass a Circuit City and they don't say, "You know, I can get you an air conditioner!" Instead right before you head home you pass a 7-Eleven and they're like, "You feel like Slim Jims and meth?"

Are You As Good A Parent As Salma Hayek?

See if you can choose the right ending to a common parenting problem she faced.

"I'm a very good stepmum," [Salma] Hayek insists. "You have to work very hard to please them all. If you are making pizza, there is one who doesn't like cheese, and another who hates tomato."

(1) "I practice tough love. I make what I want and say, 'Eat it or don't! I just hope you don't starve before breakfast.'"

(2) "I'm a softy. I end up spending all night in the kitchen making sure they get whatever they want."

(3) "Our chef sometimes looks so downhearted. He's always saying, 'Madam, what are we going to do?'"

Suggested Company Motto

1 (800) DENTIST. When closing your eyes and randomly stabbing a finger at Google search results just isn't good enough.

Nine o'clock at night I realize I'm hungry, and there's nothing in the fridge. "I'm going to get a slice of pizza from the corner," I tell my boyfriend.

"Pizza is so overpriced," he says. "It's like twelve cents worth of ingredients they charge $16 for. It's easy to make your own pizza: you can make the sauce from canned tomatoes, grate some fresh cheese, and easily make your own crust from flour and yeast. The result will be much tastier and far cheaper."

"Oh," I say. My stomach growls and I get up off the couch. "I'm going to go plant some wheat."

I'm Not So Good At Pithy Sayings

Give a man a sheep and he'll eat for a week or he'll wear fucking wool pullovers for the rest of his life.