Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Kendall Jenner Helps A Desperate World



ROMAN HANS: Hey Steve! What are you up to?

STEVE: I'm drinking a Pepsi and welding. You?

ROMAN HANS: I'm wearing my hijab and looking at the photos I took in the Sudan. Starvation is such a downer I could really use a cappuccino. Wait -- there's a protest going by my apartment. Why don't we join them?

STEVE: Protest? Against what? Now that Trump is president everything is perfect.

ROMAN HANS: Do we have to protest against something? I'll bet when Martin Luther King led the March on Wherever he just wanted to meet chicks and show off his new shoes.

STEVE: Okay, count me in! It'll be fun: we'll paint up signs with flowers on them and then have a nice walk through the center of town. The only paint I have is from the Martha Stewart Soda Collection but I guess it'll have to do.

(FIVE MINUTES LATER)

ROMAN HANS: Wow. I'm so glad we came. As a hard-hitting photojournalist I've discovered something far more important than civil rights abuses or starvation: young people standing up and saying, "I don't know; what do you think?"

STEVE: All these protest signs are making me realize something: communication is vitally important. Like, I probably should have told someone that America needs comprehensive single-payer health care with no exclusion for pre-existing conditions.

BYSTANDER (SLAPPING HIS FOREHEAD): Why, you're absolutely right! I'll get right on it!

PHOTOGRAPHER: Come on, Kendall, concentrate! It took thirty-nine hours of work and six Reynolds Oven Bags to make that dress.

KENDALL JENNER: Okay, I'll put on my serious acting face. (THINKING TO HERSELF) I've got to take a dump. I've got to take a dump. I've got to take a dump. (She sees HOT ASIAN MAN WHO BROUGHT A CELLO TO A PROTEST.) Goodbye, patriarchal wig! Adios, capitalist lipstick! Hey, guys -- wait!

TWO RANDOM PEOPLE: Hi! We're transgender women who have never heard of North Carolina's bathroom bill.

BLACK MAN WITH CORNROWS: A white person has shown up! Thank goodness. Decades of Hollywood movies have shown me that indigenous and minority communities are fun and colorful but they can't solve problems by themselves. Introduce a white person, though, and wonderful things happen. I'll bet within a week or two we have the world's best bobsled team.

POLICEMAN #1: Okay, captain, just tell me one more time: we're not firing tear gas at these kids because they have kicky signs?

POLICEMAN #2: Wow! I was worried about all these protesters because they were walking down the street carrying potentially dangerous weapons. Now that they're jumping up and down and waving their arms, though, I see no problem whatsoever.

POLICEMAN #3: Who'd have guessed that when I shot all those unarmed black people I was just thirsty? Thanks, Kendall Jenner!

BLACK MAN WITH CORNROWS: Yeah, thanks, Kendall! Now where's my bobsled?

FIN

1 comment:

Yet Another Steve said...

To review that one, I'll steal something someone once said about John Waters, as it also applies very well to Roman Hans: "He's got his finger squarely on the pulse of America, and his thumb up America's ass." One might wish for a more flattering mirror, but then one always does anyway.

StatCounter