Tuesday, February 16, 2016

I'm not crazy about so-called "smart clothes," since there's such a fine line between helpful apparel and a nagging cloth version of your mom. Most wearable tech is also vastly overhyped: there are smart bras, smart shoes, smart pants and more -- that do nothing more than the average Fitbit.

Belty, on the other hand, is far more ambitious. I got to test a prototype recently and highly recommend it to anybody concerned about health and wellness. Just to get you up to speed, here's how the website's far-reaching claims translate into reality with the world's first smart belt.

"Belty is a high-end, lifestyle and wellness belt."

NEW MSG FROM BELTY: Thank you for splurging on Belty. Eat some kale. By using Belty you agree that these proprietary messages may not be published elsewhere without written permission from another article of clothing.

"When walking, Belty can increase your walking pace through rythm."

NEW MSG FROM BELTY: Belty detects that your movements are weak and irregular. Tap once if you are walking, twice if you are having coitus.


"When static, Belty will invite you to drink more water, stand up straight and explore new habits."

NEW MSG FROM BELTY: Belty needs to check your hydration. Press Belty against your bladder until Belty beeps.

NEW MSG FROM BELTY: Belty needs to check your posture. Put Belty on top of your head until Belty vibrates.

NEW MSG FROM BELTY: Let's go skydiving!

"Belty is for the everyday go-getter who wants to increase their energy levels and improve their wellness."

NEW MSG FROM BELTY: Run fast! Get that ticker pumping! Always consult your physician before beginning an exercise program recommended by a belt.

"Belty keeps you on track and sends good vibes your way!"

NEW MSG FROM BELTY: You go, girl! Tap Belty once for another affirmation. Additional charges may apply.

"Belty is the only intuitive and antonomous wearable that integrates artificial intelligence to promote a healthy lifestyle."

NEW MSG FROM BELTY: Initiating search sequence to detect nearby broccoli.


"Belty manages energy by suggesting power naps when they are needed the most."

NEW MSG FROM BELTY: Belty detects that your movements are short and jerky. Oh, sorry -- are you having coitus again?

"Through the mobile app, Belty encourages users to develop new habits and makes them stick!"

NEW MSG FROM BELTY: Didn't you tell your ex you've been working out recently? Whatever happened to that?

"The smart belt adapts to the rythtm of life!"

NEW MSG FROM BELTY: Belty's going to sit down and smoke some weed now.


"With customizable straps you will never have to worry about your belt going out of style."

NEW MSG FROM BELTY: Belty feel ugly. Don't look at Belty. Tap twice to order new Belty. Additional charges may apply.

"Belty helps you enjoy simple moments throughout the day by encouraging you to do the little things that change everything."

NEW MSG FROM BELTY: Yes, that is a pretty scarf, but there's a reason people carry credit cards, Wynona.

"The app allows users to customize activities based on their preferences."

NEW MSG FROM BELTY: Tap to confirm: do you really want Belty to stop texting you during coitus?

"[Our] dedication ensures a high quality product and makes Belty a unique accessory."

NEW MSG FROM BELTY: Are your socks as smart as Belty? Belty think not.

"From the start, we made a strong commitment to offer a product made entirely in France."

NEW MSG FROM BELTY: Time for Belty vacation. See you next spring!


Yet Another Steve said...

I was going to get one of these, but already half of my appliances aren't speaking to each other. I don't know what started it and they're not telling me, but some nasty accusations are flying. I think the fridge may have been sending inappropriate text messages to the TV.

RomanHans said...

Did you try rebooting them?

Meanwhile, the award for the worst piece of wearable tech has to go to the underwear that texts you when you need a bathroom. I wore mine on vacation to Mexico and racked up four thousand dollars in roaming charges.