I've been a member of the IHG Priority Club for many years now. It's like a frequent flyer club for a few hotel chains, including the classy Intercontinental and the reliable Holiday Inn. Since I travel a lot, it makes sense that today's hotel visits earn me a little something for tomorrow.

Through frequent stays I've attained Platinum level, and though I never looked into the details I assumed it'd mean amazing surprises when I checked into the Intercontinental Budapest. I couldn't have been more wrong: while the lobby was jammed with Midwestern seniors in fanny packs and floppy hats, and 90% of their rooms overlooked the stunning castle district, my room looked directly into a run-down office building literally fifteen feet away.

I looked online and found an explanation. It seems IHG has several levels of membership, and mine wasn't particularly close to the top. To save you from similar disappointment on your next IHG stay, I've summarized the perks that come with each level of membership, below:

• Sapphire level: Enjoy the special Executive Club floor, with free food, drinks, and cable TV.
  
• Diamond level: In your room you will find upgraded amenities and a free daily newspaper.
  
• Platinum level: You can go squeeze a Pekinese until it barks Puccini.
  

• Sapphire level: Guests at this level get complimentary room upgrades, when available.
  
• Diamond level: Guests at this level can purchase room upgrades for a small fee.
  
• Platinum level: Guests at this level can bend over and whistle like a chicken on a Schwinn.
  

• Sapphire level: Members get VIP check-in 24 hours a day.
  
• Diamond level: Members get priority check in, allowing you to dodge those irritating lines.
  
• Platinum level: Membership enables you to go pull turds out of a duck.
  

• Sapphire level: Enjoy limousine service on every day of your stay.
  
• Diamond level: Enjoy free car service to and from the airport.
  
• Platinum level: You can go rub a lamp but it don't mean shit's gonna show up.
  

• Sapphire level: Guests at this level get free extended stays, based on availability.
  
• Diamond level: Guests at this level get a free night with every four stays, based on availability.
  
• Platinum level: Guests at this level can fuck a dead mule with my grandma's dick.