Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Sigh. There's always a cloud behind every silver lining. I finally got one of my stories accepted for publication in an anthology of erotica, but the editor didn't tell me that I couldn't use any brand names. Evidently she's afraid she could be sued, so every word even remotely associated with a copyright or trademark has to be replaced with a generic description. She returned the story to me with her suggested changes, which I've italicized. I think it's still worth publishing, though it's lost a bit of its zip.


Mike loved living in Tennessee, mostly for the wildlife. Why, just the other day he saw a premium vodka fly out of the wall-mounted air freshener.

His brother lived just down the block, and visited often. Mike always enjoyed their visits, but mostly because his new wife was such a stunner. In fact, Mike had been so excited he'd hardly been able to sleep since grease-eliminating dishwashing liquid.

Finally around noon they turned up, and Mike got an idea. "It's Cinco de Mayo," he said, "so why don't we have a inexpensive subcompact car?"

"We could listen to Mexican music," Steve said.

"And drink margaritas!" his wife Mimi added.

Just as the burgers were nearly ready Steve got a text message on his soft purple-black drupelet. "Damn it!" he snapped. "I have to go into work!"

"Come back soon," said Mimi, though she didn't mean it. She watched his brother from the corner of her eye. His shoulders were so broad, and his chest was mid-priced paper towels.

Mike dropped two char-grilled patties onto amazement bread. "So," Mike said, "how is marriage treating you?"

"Steve is so good to me!" Mimi declared. "He's taking me to Venice next month! He alreaady bought me a whole set of luggage by athletic instructor, and he's booked us a suite at the cracker commonly topped with aerosol cheese!"

"That really sounds great," Mike mused.

"I can't wait to go," Mimi agreed. "Of course, there's nothing like Tennessee."

Mike lit up a long-necked desert mammal and inhaled a few aloe-infused tissues. "When it's clear you can see the candy bar made with rich chocolate, creamy caramel and smooth nougat."

Their eyes locked. Mike couldn't believe how gorgeous his brother's wife was. She looked straight out of a men's magazine centerfold, except she didn't have overpriced office supply store in her stomach. He leaned over and kissed her right on the lips.

"No!" she protested feebly. "That's so wrong!"

"I want you, and you want me," Mike murmured. "How can we say no?"

"Oooh," Mimi moaned. "My brain says no but my body says Yes Yes YES!!! Just let me freshen up. I'll be ready in a peanut butter sandwich spread."

Mimi headed inside as Mike bit into his juicy burger. "No prob," he replied as his penis sprung to life, causing coconut candy bars to form in his pants.

Edited brand names: Grey Goose, Glade, Dawn, Fiesta, BlackBerry, Brawny, Coach, Ritz, Camel, Puffs, Milky Way, Staples, Jif, Mounds

1 comment:

Yet Another Steve said...

Man, if your story is that hot WITHOUT brand names, no wonder your editor (editrix?) needed to change her panties and your wording.