He's thinking: Wow, that is one special woman!

She's thinking: God, I love my life!

We're thinking: Weren't the Mayans supposed to warn us about this shit?

2001. American forces have Osama bin Laden cornered in the mountains of Tora Bora.

It isn't exactly a fair match. Hidden in a network of caves, bin Laden has an army of nearly two thousand. A mile below, mixed in with a ragtag group of local armies, are approximately three dozen U.S. Special Forces troops. They're the only ground forces that President Bush has sent.

Brig. Gen. James N. Mattis, commanding 4,000 marines nearby, asks the Bush administration if his men can help. CIA Director George Tenet and Gen. Tommy Franks ask Bush to send additional troops. All these requests are turned down, and bin Laden gets away.

2004. Defending the decision not to send additional forces, the Bush administration insists that nobody really knows if bin Laden was there or not.

2005. The Pentagon admits he was there.

2011. In his new book Known and Unknown, Bush's Defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld convincingly frees the Bush administration from any blame. See, he says he sent a memo to CIA Director Tenet that apparently went a little something like this:

Dear George,

I was just thinking about Tora Bora. There sure aren't many Americans there! We might be missing a great opportunity. Do you think we should send more troops? Some people might claim later that they asked for more troops and we turned them down, but nobody's asked me for anything. I'm really surprised they haven't, in fact, considering we all think bin Laden is there. Because really, there's no way we'd turn you down if you did.

My best to the wife and kids,
Don

A water ride just completed at a British amusement park may be haunted by ghosts.

The ride -- Storm Surge at Britain's Thorpe Park -- was apparently built on top of a medieval cemetery, and its builders complained about sensing a supernatural presence and feeling cold spots.

Cold spots. Yeah. Cold spots on a water ride are scary. Call me crazy, but it's the warm spots that freak me out.

The Catholic Church has okayed a new Confession app for the iPhone.

The app, retailing for $1.99, prompts users through a "personalized examination of conscience." The Church hopes the app will encourage lapsed followers back to the flock.

Actually, it kind of scared me off. I typed in all my sins and it gave me fifteen Our Fathers and eight OMFGs.

A Lithuanian company plans to construct a luxury resort in the Maldives staffed entirely by blondes. "Staff who are not blonde will wear a blonde wig to make everyone look similar," said a spokesperson.

Coincidentally, there won't be a single room where the carpet matches the drapes.

A former best friend of TV shrink Dr. Phil McGraw is suing the TV host, claiming she was attacked by his dog. In her lawsuit, Janet Harris says McGraw must have known the pet was dangerous, because it previously attacked at least three other people and may have killed the family cat, a pet rabbit and various skunks in the neighborhood.

Police say the TV personality could be charged with five counts of Falling Out of the Dumb Tree.

Second Best TV Dialog of the Week: Glee

WHITE STUDENT #1: Gosh, the football team really aggravates me. They don't think it's cool to sing multipart harmonies, or to dance in intricately-choreographed movement.

WHITE STUDENT #2: Well, we'll teach them! Let's put on a show and not do any of that stuff.

WHITE STUDENT #1: Oh. Okay!

Best TV Dialog of the Week: Glee

WHITE STUDENT #1: And for the halftime celebration, let's pay homage to Michael Jackson's 1983 zombie classic, Thriller!

WHITE STUDENT #2: Tie-urd. Girlfriend, everybody and his mother has been there and bought the t-shirt. (PAUSE) I've got it! Let's do a mash-up! That's a trend that didn't get boring until 1996.

WHITE STUDENT #1: Yeah! That sounds super cool.

I see their point. I mean, either way you're going to light up a fag.

Brenda's Boyfriend Likes To Go To Sleep After Sex. Brenda Likes To Doodle.

The red swimsuit that Farrah Fawcett wore for her infamous 1976 pinup poster has been donated to the Smithsonian in Washington DC.

This iconic swimsuit helped make the “Charlie’s Angels” actress a 1970s icon. In a special ceremony on Tuesday, Fawcett’s longtime companion Ryan O’Neal and her nephew Greg Walls also donated scripts from Charlie's Angels and a 1977 Farrah Fawcett doll.

The article doesn't say which branch of the Smithsonian will get this treasure, but I'm guessing it'll be the National Airbags and Space Museum.

A museum spokesperson said they're thrilled about the donations. "This'll be the biggest celebration of boobs and beaver since Sarah Palin's Alaska, she said.

For the second time in two months, notorious cult leader Charles Manson has been caught with a cell phone in his prison cell.

In December, Manson was caught with an LG flip phone under his mattress. The latest discovery was in a highly secure area on Jan. 6, prison officials said.

What tipped them off? All the little piggies in Farmville are dead.

An Italian art researcher said yesterday that the model Leonardo da Vinci used for his Mona Lisa wasn't in fact female, but in actuality was his male apprentice and lover Gian Giacomo Caprotti.

So what prompted the smile? As any dude who's ever worn a dress knows, it's that indescribable combination of balls and cement.

Jennifer Aniston has taken her first bold step into the world of perfumery. Jennifer Aniston the fragrance -- combining top notes of citrus with blooming jasmine and undertones of musk and sandalwood -- makes its debut at Sephora stores today.

And tomorrow, Angelina Jolie is stealing it.

Police in Osage Beach, Missouri, say a pair of thieves have devised a new way to rip off the local Wal-Mart. The man throws himself to the ground and fakes a seizure while his partner in crime takes advantage of the distraction and pushes a cart loaded with merchandise out the front door. The man then gets up and walks out.

Police are worried the stunt might prompt copycat crimes by other Wal-Mart customers who don't bounce.

Science News For The Squeamish

Specially-Trained Dogs Have Learned How to Sniff Out "Timmy" in Your "Well"

Everyone knows dogs have extremely sensitive noses. In a recent study, though, researchers have found that some dogs have such highly-refined olfactory skills that they can actually detect instances of "Timmy" in someone's "well" with a success rate as high as 95%.

Scientists are hopeful that this will prove a breakthrough in early "Timmy" detection, because many people are reluctant to let a trained professional poke around for signs of "Timmy" anywhere on their "property."

Yves Saint Laurent's latest collection of menswear for Fall/Winter 2011 was strong and eminently wearable. Veering away from its reputation as an edgy bad boy of fashion, YSL stuck to a more classic and conservative collection that easily charmed the crowd.

"I really, really loved it," said Georg von Trapp.

The pro-Mubarak forces sent in to quell the uprisings in Egypt are posing a serious danger to U. S. journalists. "America's sweetheart" barely escaped after being surrounded by an angry mob.

Katie Couric didn't do so well either.

Controversial comedian Sacha Baron Cohen has struck a deal with British graffiti artist Banksy to swap one of Borat's old moustaches for a painting of Thomas the Tank Engine valued at $160,000.

Sure, that seems like a lot of money for a mustache, but it doesn't come close to the record price John Travolta paid for a beard.